Dream Catch Me
by stacey218
Summary: Bella thinks all of her dreams have come true after becoming Mrs. Cullen. But part of her, the part that belongs to her more than best friend, is no where near satisfied. Darkness, madness and drama ensues. Bella/Jacob, Bella/Edward. Rated M.
1. Prologue: My Other Half

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. None of these characters, lyrics or anything publicly recognizable are owned by me. I'm just playing with them :)

**A/N: **Hey guys. New multi fic yay! I hope you guys like it although be warned this story is gonna be a little dark and is recommended for 18 plus readers only :D. Updating on this one may take some time (up to two-three weeks) between chapters because I've just gotten a new job recently and am working my butt off. But I'm gonna squeeze in as much writing time as I can.

Big thanks go to my most wonderful Beta goldengirl2707 (aka GG). Thank you so much for all your hard work and suggestions and banners for this story. You are a legend :D.

Hope you guys like it.

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

**My Other Half**

_And in my mind was the fury of a madness  
>That consecrated the dirt<br>I stumbled through the enigma of its reason  
>And celebrated the hurt<br>And then I found in an act of desperation  
>A subtle rip in the heart<br>I was seduced by the taste of devastation  
>And then it tore me apart<em>

Alarum – The Tea Party

The warm water lapped against my bare stomach as I made my way deeper into the ocean. I went slowly so I wouldn't fall face first into the water, because looking like a drowned rat was hardly a great way to start off my honeymoon. He didn't turn around as I approached, and the moonlight gleamed off his preternaturally white skin. It didn't sparkle like it would under the sun, but instead shimmered like the water surrounding us. He was beyond beautiful and, against all odds, he was mine. This wonderful God-like creature had chosen _me_, a fact still blew me away.

I finally reached Edward but couldn't quite bring myself to look at him yet. My stomach was being assaulted by nervous butterflies. Standing next to him in nothing but my birthday suit I was positive my face was redder than it had ever been before. He reached over to grasp my hand under water. The warm water took away some of the chill from his skin but it was still much cooler than my own. I turned my body to him and he finally tore his gaze from the ocean to look at me. Like always, I felt myself get lost in his eyes, the perfection of his features. He leant down and my heart hammered behind my ribs in anticipation. I had been waiting for this moment for what felt like forever.

His frozen lips touched mine gently, teasingly. I stepped closer to his frigid body, always wanting more from him. But Edward did not deepen the kiss and I desperately gripped at his hair, trying to force him give into me. I needed him, _now_. But, for the first time in my memory, I pulled away first. I needed_ more_; I needed Edward to help me forget. I needed him to push the tingling at the back of my head out of my mind completely.

"Please, Edward, you promised me you would try," I whispered, looking up into his golden eyes. His face twisted into the same expression he always wore when I pushed him, a frustrated scowl, but even that could not distort his perfect features. I trailed my fingers down his frozen arm trying to show him it would be ok. Even though I was nervous about being intimate with Edward I was certain he would never intentionally hurt me.

He had promised me he would try if I held up my side of the deal and I had. I was enrolled at Dartmouth. He had bought me a car that was worth more than my father's house. I didn't even want to think about the after car. And that circus of a wedding I had gone through! Just thinking about the wedding made me grimace. It had only been two days ago, but it felt like a life time.

The whole thing had been a flamboyant, over-the-top mess. Everything from my dress to the delicately thin china plates we had eaten wedding cake from had screamed money. The knowledge that the Cullen's had spent a small fortune on something that had meant nothing to me made me cringe.

But the plates, my dress, and the absorbent costs weren't what I remembered the most from that day. And it wasn't walking down the stair case, clutching Charlie's arm. Nor was it when I finally set my eyes upon Edward, looking breathtakingly beautiful in his perfectly tailored suit.

No, what I remembered the clearest, the cause of the ever present rattle at the back of my mind, was a pair of blazing hot hands wrapping tight around my arms. Deep brown eyes that should have been full of laughter but instead were filled with fury. A face twisted with anger and grief and something else I couldn't put a name to. Words dripping with venom as my best friend promised to kill my less than an hour old husband.

_Jacob_.

My heart ached just to think his name. My best friend who was so much more than my friend was out there somewhere hurting. And there was no doubt in my mind that it was entirely my fault. So I needed this. I needed Edward to kiss me and draw me away from that dark corner of the Cullen's yard where my mind had been trapped for the last forty eight hours.

"Please, Edward," I begged, pressing my lips to his stony ones.

When his arms came around my waist holding me to his chest, I shivered with anticipation. It set off a throbbing inside me that made my knees go weak. But even still, the part of me that still belonged to _him_ stirred. I thought I had cried her out that night I had clung to Edward, ruining his shirt. I tried to push her away, tried to lock her in the Jacob drawer, along with the small part of my heart that beat solely for my best friend. Even after the change, I was sure it would still some how stubbornly pound away in my chest.

"Bella, I love you," Edward's honeyed voice melted into my skin as he skimmed his nose across my neck, drinking in the smell of my blood. I wrapped my arms around him, wanting to be closer. _Desperate to forget_. Edward placed soft kisses along the delicate skin of my shoulder up to my jaw, his cool fingers pushing my long hair out of his way. I had wanted this for so long and now it was finally here. Edward had given in to me.

But still, it wasn't enough. I needed more.

"Touch me, Edward," I pleaded as I captured one of his hands, trying to force it from my waist to my chest. Edward stiffened and his arm became as immobile as a marble statue. I waited, half expecting him to sigh and pull away from me liked he always did. My stomach fluttered with nerves.

"Bella, please," Edward murmured in my ear, kissing my hair. I wished I could see his face, but I could not turn in his embrace.

My eyes traveled along his collarbone instead and all I could do was wait. Slowly, agonizingly, Edward's hands moved from my waist to my ribcage. His fingers flirted with the skin just below my breasts. I stayed perfectly still, trying to ignore the way my body was screaming at me to fling myself at him, to bury myself in his chest and cover it with kisses. But I was selfish and I needed more. The Jacob drawer was rattling much too loudly, demanding my attention. I kissed the dip in Edward's clavicle, tracing it with my tongue. For a single sweet moment, I got to taste his skin. But before I could savor it, strong hands pushed back, tightening on the skin around my ribs.

"We have to go slow, love," he cautioned gently. I pursed my lips against a frustrated sigh.

I knew it was selfish, but I needed Edward let go of his self control just this once. I couldn't close the drawer on my own; I needed his help. I leant forward and forced my mouth onto his, desperate for him to react to me. He was frozen for one long moment before finally his body relaxed against mine. He kissed me like he never had before and my body melted with the pleasure of fingers dug into my ribcage as he let the tip of my tongue trace along those marble lips for the very first time. He stiffened again, and I felt sure he would pull away, but against all hope he opened his mouth and let me in.

Edward tasted like heaven and nothing less. My head swam and my arms tightened around his neck. I had dreamed of kissing him this way for what felt like a lifetime. _Yes_, this is what I needed.

It was a few moments before I became aware of the pain.

Edward's grip on my ribs tightened, his lips finally moving against mine without restraint. I tried to ignore the way my skin protested against his strong hold, knowing if I said anything, he would never kiss me like this again. Edward pulled back slightly, his lips grazing my jaw, and I tried to become lost in it. But I couldn't hold back the small cry of pain when his hands molded forcefully to my body.

Edward became perfectly still, the way he always did when he was upset. I couldn't move either, cursing myself for ruining the moment. Gently, Edward released his hold and I had to bite my lip to keep in the sigh of relief. But I couldn't open my eyes. I knew what I would see. The Jacob drawer shook angrily. _She_ pointed out that _he_ would never hurt me like Edward had just done. And although I knew Edward hadn't done it on purpose, I knew that she was right.

"I'm sorry, Bella," Edward groaned and I could hear the pain in his voice. I found the courage to open my eyes and saw exactly what I expected; Edward looked tortured and his hands were barely touching me now. I fought back the urge to cry.

"It's okay, Edward, don't worry about it," I tried to soothe him, but I knew it was hopeless. Edward shook his head, his bronze hair shining in the light of the moon. He muttered something under his breath but I couldn't catch it. His head dropped, and he refused to look at me. I squeezed his shoulders with my hands but still he refrained from looking at me.

"Edward, it's okay," I tried again, but my stomach was already sinking because I was well aware that it was a lost cause; he had shut me out.

I blinked hard and fast; I would not cry. I would not make this harder for him. I wanted him to look at me but even when I placed a finger under his chin, he would not let me turn his head. I needed to see him. I needed him to dazzle me. I_ needed_ to forget or I would drive us both crazy. I _had_ to forget or that _other_ part of me, while small, would gain more ground.

"No, it's _not_ okay, Bella. I hurt you." His voice was morose and it cut through me like a blade. Regret flooded me. I shouldn't have pushed him. I shouldn't have been so selfish.

"Not on purpose," I assured him fiercely, but it made no difference. Nothing I said or did ever make the slightest difference once Edward's mind was made up.

"It doesn't matter Bella," he whispered. The tears I had been fighting won, making hot tracks down my face. Edward leant forward and ever so gently his kissed the sensitive of my ribcage. It still ached, but I kept that to myself. Even though his lips were gentle against the offended skin it wasn't enough to silence _her_.

Edward straightened and wrapped his arms around me. He captured the tears on my cheeks with freezing lips and Jacob's Bella hated it. I felt his stony lips brush against my skin and I trembled, but not with desire. The water around us was warm and the air was hot, but his breath on my skin was still like ice.

And in that moment all of me yearned for them to burn.


	2. Chapter One: Choices

**A/N: **Ok so yeah this took a month to do, my bad. Why did I have to get a job? Stupid bills. Anyway its here and I hope you enjoy it :D Chapter 2 is under construction and will be out much more quickly (I hope) than this.

Goldengirl2707, my Beta, is no less than _fucking_ amazing. She made the banner for this chapter and she put in loads of time fixing my boo boos so thank you so very much hun! *Wolf hugs for you!*

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. None of these characters, lyrics or anything publicly recognizable are owned by me. I'm just playing with them :)

**Chapter One**

**Choices**

_I roll back the stone just to see  
>What I'm missing<br>Glimpses of grandeur now faced with defeat  
>I've waited so long<br>_

Babylon – The Tea Party

I woke up slowly, my mind still clinging to the half-remembered dream. Long hair and the smell of salt water; that's all I could remember now. But even those little details were far too much. I opened my eyes to bright sunlight reflecting off white walls, blinding me for a moment. It was hot and the thin cream sheets stuck to my legs. I glanced to my right and was not surprised to see that the other side of the bed was empty; Edward was never there when I woke up anymore.

I didn't want to get up; I knew I wasn't really alone. Edward would be in the kitchen, no doubt, making something for me to eat. It had become our dysfunctional ritual - Every night I would try to kiss him or touch him, and he would always push me away. He saw through my feeble attempts to hide the hurt his rejection caused me, so he would try and comfort me, but feeling his arms around me was like a reminder of what I couldn't have. I'd fall asleep next to him and wake up the next morning to find Edward holding a breakfast tray full of scrambled eggs and apologies.

I glared at the ceiling. I knew that this would be hard for Edward, but I really thought he would be able to get past it. I was so surethat he would have been able to control his bloodlust. We had been on our honeymoon for two weeks and I was _still_ a virgin. It was beyond frustrating. I bit back a sigh, knowing Edward would hear it, and instead mashed the heels of my hands into my eyes until fireworks exploded behind my eyelids.

This was getting ridiculous.

And the heat didn't help. It was too familiar and reminded me of _him_. I couldn't even think his name now. The part of my heart that was reserved exclusively for my best friend couldn't take it. _His_ half of me was growing more and more restless with the situation. I tried my best to ignore it. I tried to convince myself it was just because I was horny, that it had nothing to do with my best friend and everything to do with the fact that I couldn't get my husband to touch me.

Out of nowhere, seeming far more real than it had any right to, I could feel skin so hot, it burned against mine. And hear a deep voice whispering in my ear. My hands would be so very small in his and those deep brown eyes full would be of love, devotion, lust...

_Stop it_, I chided myself. I couldn't stop bits of the dreams from floating back to me, popping into my mind unexpectedly and without invitation. I had never felt more relieved that I was some kind of mental mute and Edward couldn't see what, or _who_, was in my thoughts so often.

_You like it_, **she** whispered.

I ignored the voice. Acknowledging voices in my head had almost got me killed once before and I wasn't going to do it again. Even if that voice was my own, and growing louder and louder with each passing day. Besides, she was wrong. I couldn't live without Edward; he was the reason for my existence. And no, I did _not_ like the dreams. I would _never_ like them.

_Who are you trying to convince? _

I removed my hands from my eyes and stuffed my fingers in my ears to attempt to block out **her **cocky voice. I loved Edward; I didn't doubt that for a second. I always knew I had felt more for him than I should. The mere thought of giving him up, of losing him, was painful beyond at the same time, a very part of me wondered what it would be like, to give him up, to choose differently.I felt like I was being split in two,that a new hole in my heart had taken up residence next to the one Edward had made.

The pain was almost debilitating; an ache so angry that I wished I had never realized I was in love with Jacob.

Just thinking _his_ name made my chest burn painfully. The force of it took me by surprise. Before I realized what I was doing, my arms were wrapped around my middle, trying to hold myself together for the first time in months. It was frightening that a name had my heart breaking all over again. The pain in my heart was eerily familiar to the constant ache Edward had inflicted on me when he left.

I rolled over with a groan and grabbed a heavy pillow, pulling it over my face to block out the bright light. My head hurt. I had been going over this situation repeatedly in my mind ever since I had danced with my absent best man. I was starting to wish I could invest in a mental locksmith to seal shut that damn drawer once and for all.

I snorted to myself. If I kept talking to myself like this, imagining voices in my head, I was going to end up in a nut house.

"What's so funny?"

I peeked out from under a corner of the pillow to find Edward standing at the end of the bed, my favorite crooked grin on his face. I bit my lip to hold my mouth closed. Even though I was used to Edward - _as used to someone of supernatural beauty and grace that a mere human can get, anyway_ - sometimes it still caught me off guard just how stunning he was, even with black smudges under his eyes**. **

His appearance made me pause; Edward always looked put together, flawless, and yet, here he was before me, looking tired and drained. I knew he hadn't hunted since we had arrived. It worried me that he was starving himself because he felt like he had to stay inside with me during the entire trip.

Despite my concern for him, it didn't escape my attention that he was holding that damned breakfast tray.

"Nothing," I assured him, sitting up quickly to greet him. As I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, I felt the weight of the tray on my lap. I glanced down at it. Yup, eggs again. Not that I wasn't grateful that Edward made me breakfast each morning, but I was going to have to start leaving the Food Network on, or I'd be living off eggs for the rest of my human life.

"Can we stay in today?" I mumbled through a mouthful of eggs.

Ever since our disastrous first night, Edward had been dragging me out of the house at day break and wewouldn'treturn until nightfall. I was so exhausted from roaming all over the island that more than once I had fallen asleep at the dinner table. But I knew what he was up to, and it made me all the more determined to try and spend the day inside with him.

I just wanted to be close to him. Deep down, I knew it was horrible of me to push him like this, but the need I felt for him was becoming stronger and stronger every day.

And I refused to believe ithad anything to do with the erotic dreams I was having about my best friend.

_Right?_

Edward sighed and turned his face from me, the morning sun making his skin sparkle. I dropped my fork to the plate with a clatter.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, pushing the tray from my lap. Edward looked back and smiled at me. With the hot sun dancing on his face, he was even more handsome than ever. As I gazed at him, I realized that not even _handsome_ could do him justice; _beautiful_. He brushed back a non-existent strand of hair from my face and my heart leapt at the small gesture.

"I have to hunt," he said softly. "I thought it would be best to go during the day."

"Oh," I replied, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. He had to hunt; it was far more important than staying home with me. But without Edward here, the big house seemed frightening. I felt safer with him there. My heart started to pound in my chest.

"You won't be alone, love," he reassured me, pulling me into his marble arms. "The cleaning crew from the main land will be here." My fingers dug into his arms as I nodded.

"What if she comes though?" I whispered into his shirt.

Victoria, still hell bent on revenge, had managed to escape the foray on top of the mountain. Wicked fast with blazing red hair, Victoria was the star of my nightmares. I breathed in deeply, Edward's scent acting like a blanket. He wouldn't leave me unprotected, but what about him? What if she caught him unawares somehow? What if he never came back from hunting and instead of being greeted by my husband, I found Victoria in my bedroom?

"She won't," Edward assured me confidently.

"What if she finds you?" I asked, my voice barely audible. The thought of a world without Edward in it was excruciatingly painful.

"I can handle Victoria. I will be close enough to you to hear her thoughts if she should try to come here, but I spoke with Alice this morning. She did not see her make the decision to attack us while we're on the island, but if she does, Alice will let me know."

"So she's still in Forks?" I asked quietly**,** lifting my head from his chest so I could see him.

"Yes," he confirmed, long fingers touching my cheek again. I fought the urge to close my eyes and bask in the feeling of his touch because there were far more important things at hand. More than anything, I felt guilty. I had brought Victoria's wrath down on everyone I cared about. It was my fault that she was still hanging around, attacking my family. The fact that she wanted to kill me seemed secondary. I didn't want to leave Edward or lose anyone that was important to me. I wished,and not for the first time, thatI had been in the clearing during the newborn battle. Victoria would have never been able to escape the Cullen's and the Pack. My scent would have drawn her there instead of to the campsite; Ijust _know_ Icould have helped if I had been there.

Jacob's Bella didn't like this. **She** felt like I was giving up by letting Victoria win. But I wasn't surrending, not really anyway. I only wanted to help. If I could provide a distraction for Victoria, then the Cullen's could finish her. Even if I got hurt, wouldn't that be worth it? If I could save the people I loved, all of them?

"We shouldn't have left. We are here on a honeymoon doing nothing-" Edward grimaced at my use of the word _nothing,_ but I didn't let it deter me. "-while she could be attacking any of them. Alice, Esme, Charlie-"

"She won't get close enough to hurt any of them." Edward cut me off this time. "Between us and the Pack, she can't even get close to Forks."

"The Pack is still helping?" I asked in surprise. I had been sure that once I had left and betrayed Jacob by effectively choosing his enemy, they would leave Victoria to the Cullen's.

"Of course. Did you think they would stop once you left?" he replied, a confused look on his face. I felt heat rush to my face.

"No, it's just I thought…" I trailed off. No, it was stupid and self-centered to assume the Pack would only help while I was in immediate danger. I knew the wolves would never give up their patrols, but I had thought they would have abandoned their truce with theCullen'sonce I had left. But Victoria had survived. I hadn't factored in that the wolves existed to protect everyone, not just me. Embarrassment flooded my cheeks with heat.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

"They have their lands to protect too, Bella," Edward pointed out, his fingers still lingering on my cheek, tracing soothing icy circles over the blush staining my face.

"I know. I'm just worried about the wolves getting hurt," I said quickly, momentarily frightened that he would see right through me, all the way through to **her**.

It was true, though, the wolves could get hurt. The Cullen's, while I feared for their safety, seemed indestructible.I still thought of the wolves as human. I knew that they had the strength to rival vampires, but I couldn't help but see them as breakable somehow.

_A boy only a few years younger than myself, smiling while telling me scary stories on a cold beach. The wind pulled loose strands out of his ponytail and they fluttered around his face. Warm, hot lips against my own, demanding, pushing, filling my soul with yearning_ _and_ -

"The wolves know how to handle themselves." Edward's voice cut through my fantasy like a knife. I looked up at him, expecting to see the hostility he normally reserved for the Pack, but it wasn't there. My eyes widened.

"What?" Edward asked, looking confused.

"You respect them." It wasn't a question; it was the truth. I could see it on his face.

"They saved your life and I will always be thankful for that," he explained, a flash of old resentment crossing his face. Now I knew what the problem was; He could be thankful that the wolves helped, but not grateful. Not for all of them, anyway. Especially not for one wolf in particular.

"You mean, you'll be grateful to Seth?" I asked. I had seen the two of them bond after the fight on top of the mountain and couldn't help but wish that Edward could be that friendly with _him_. If only they could all get along, maybe this wouldn't be so hard on any of us.

_Yeah, that's likely_, **she** butted in. Now my other half was using sarcasm against me? Great, as if I didn't have enough going on, my own head was starting to berate me.

"I have to hunt. I'll be back before night fall," Edward ignored my question and instead untangled himself from me. Even as the warmth of the day flooded back, I felt colder without him close to me. It was as if his arms had been holding back all my insecurities.

"I'll miss you," I told him, reaching out for his hand. I could hear the tremble in my voice and Edward didn't miss it either. He leant over me, pressing frozen lips to my forehead. I closed my eyes, making the whole world pink from the bright sun.

"Not as much as I will miss you, love." I felt a soft breeze and when I opened my eyes, he was gone. I already wanted him back beside me just so I could assure myself that he was safe.

_Jacob misses you more,_ my other half whispered. _He would show you just how much he misses you with more than a chaste kiss. _

_Oh shut up_, I snapped back.

* * *

><p>"<em>Where are we going?" I laughed as he pulled me along. I didn't trip like I normally would, which was note worthy, seeing as I was being hauled through a dense green forest. <em>

"_You'll see," he said, looking over his shoulder at me. __**My**__ smile was on his face and his long hair was loose, flowing down his back. His brown eyes sparkled, the corners crinkled just a little from the grin on his face. _

**_Jacob, my Jacob. _**

_I had been so lost in my thoughts that I fell hard into his chest when he tugged gently on my arm. Hands ran down my back, under my thighs, lifting me off the ground as if I weighed nothing. I grabbed at his neck, pulling myself closer to him. _

"_Jake!" I scolded loudly, but we both knew I didn't really mind. How could I mind when I was close to him? His arms around me made me feel so warm and safe. _

**_Loved. _**

"_What? It's easier this way," Jake assured me, his face alight with a sunny smile. He was so close, but never close enough. I traced a finger over a prominent cheekbone, along his straight nose. Jacob was beautiful to me in every way. _

"_Uh huh, sure." I replied, my voice full of mock doubt, but he interrupted me, as one hand ran up my leg and over my ass, squeezing. "Jacob!" I squealed._

"_Whoops! Accident, honey, I swear," he told me, his face full of innocence, emphasizing his point with another squeeze. _

"_Yeah, right," I scoffed teasingly. I felt his body bend, and__I held on tighter as I felt him lowering us to the ground. _

"_Oh, come on, you liked it," he argued, his eyes bright, dancing with barely contained desire. His hands were running up my sides now, barely touching me, but it was just enough to leave me wanting more. I needed his hands to be firmer, to touch me in places I didn't even dare touch myself. _

"_Did not," I said stubbornly, but I felt the muscles low in my stomach coil with tension, a pleasant side effect of his body's close proximity to my own._

"_Oh, so you don't like this?" Jake asked as his mouth pressed against the side of my neck. My whole body quivered under his touch. His lips slid down my throat, kissing softly until he reached my collarbone, his warm breath making me shiver. _

"_No," I whispered, not trusting my voice to speak any louder. Like they had become their own separate entity, my legs parted of their own accord, and Jake fit himself snugly between them. The subtle movement caused his long hair to fall like a curtain over his shoulder. It felt soft and silky against my skin. Fingers ran along the insides of my thighs, brushing painfully close to where I wanted him most. _

"_How about this?" he asked, and now his hands were firmer as they snuck under my shirt. His fingertips danced across the sensitive skin of my belly, making me gasp. They inched upward as his lips once more found my neck, tracing__my jaw line with his mouth. _

"_N-no." I couldn't hide the whimper in my voice this time and I felt his smile against my skin. He was so hot, in every sense of the word. The fire was everywhere, burning me, setting me on ablaze, and I couldn't deny that I loved it. **More, give me more**__**,**__ I pleaded him silently. _

"_What about this?" I wasn't prepared as his blazing hand cupped my breast, his__heat scalding me. I arched my back, pushing myself into his body. _

_Yes, this was the __**more**__ I wanted. _

"_J-Jake." It came out as a moan as strong fingers teased me. _

**_More, I want it, need it, must have it. Must have him. _**

_**NOW.**_

"_I have all day Bells," he assured me, his words cheeky, but his voice was rough, laced with lust. "All night too."_

"_But I thought we were going somewhere," I pointed out half heartedly, struggling to form coherent sentences. I didn't want to leave __**this;**__ his arms, his mouth, his hands. _

"_You're already here," he reminded me. My shirt was gone; I didn't remember losing it. It didn't occur to me to__care either, because Jacob's mouth replaced his hands on the aching flesh of my chest. His fingers copied the movement__of__his tongue on my other breast, before switching, tasting both of them in turn. _

"_I am? But where is here?" I managed to gasp out, his teeth grazing the sensitive skin of my nipple, followed quickly by his hot__tongue soothing away the momentary hurt. "Again, do that again."_

_His hands and mouth were everywhere. Soft hair tickled my face and fell across my chest as he kissed and licked and bit. I reached out for him, finding his upper body as naked as mine, and I loved the way his chest felt under my hands. Muscles twitched as my fingers snaked down his torso, tugging on his belt buckle…_

"_Home," He growled, his mouth back at my neck and harder now, marking me as his. I pulled him closer and I could feel every inch of him against me, hard__**,**__ pulsing, and demanding. I wanted to see it, touch it, taste it. He pressed his dick against my center, grinding his hips against mine. The pressure was driving me insane; my body was positively throbbing from the torture of it. _

"_Home?" My jeans were gone now, and I couldn't think of anything that wasn't Jacob. My head felt dizzy, the bright light blinding me. Jake was above me, leaning on his elbows, and I blinked lazily, my hooded eyes focusing slowly on his face. _

"_Of course this is home," he replied, as if I should have__known that already._

"_This can be my home?" I asked, surprised. This could be home? It seemed right that home would be with Jacob and the sunlight and the warmth. But until now it had never really occurred to me that this could be mine, forever. _

"_Yes, Bells. It's your choice." Jake's face was gone now but his mouth was back on the sensitive skin of my jaw, kissing gently. _

_**Home;**__ this felt like home. I looked up above me at the sunlight playing with the leaves, the wind playing through the trees around us, and something moving in the breeze right above my head caught my attention._

_**A dream catcher. **_

_Its bright blue stones caught the sunlight__ and the feathers danced in a draft I couldn't feel. Was this a dream? But it felt so real… I wanted it to be real..._

"_Are you a dream?" I asked, tilting my head to gaze down at Jake. His dark eyes caught mine, and I realized as I stared at him, how his skin seeming so much darker when it was pressed__against my own. _

"_Not if you don't want me to be," he whispered,__his tone full of unsaid things. "It's your choice, remember?"_

_Before I could reply, Jacob was kissing me, his lips against mine, setting the world around us on fire. His kiss was warmth and sunlight. _

_**I **__**was home.**_

I woke with a start, my heart hammering in my chest. I pushed my hair off my face and glanced around the bright, white room. It took me a moment to realize where I was; Isle Esme, a million miles away from La Push and forests and Jacob.

I flopped back onto the couch. Where the hell had that come from? Sure, I had dreamt about him before, but not like that, never so clear. It had almost seemed real. My body felt hot and I was sure I looked absolutely terrible. I shifted and felt wetness between my legs. Oh god, I had been turned on by a dream?

_Well__, who could blame you?_ **She** asked smugly.

Nope. I'm ignoring that, I told myself firmly.

_Yeah__, but I'm still here._

I pushed myself off the couch with a huff. As soon as I had, I wished I hadn't, because standing made me even more aware of just how wet and sticky I was. I made a beeline for the bathroom, rubbing my arms like I was cold.

_I could still feel his hands on me. _

"Don't think about it, don't think about it," I chanted over and over. I hurried up a long corridor and barged into the bathroom. One look in the mirror told me what I had suspected to be true; I was a complete mess. My cheeks were pink, my hair in disarray and sweat shone on my skin.

"Cold shower," I muttered, yanking the glass door open and turned on the cold water full blast.

_A hot mouth on my neck, licking and sucking, fingers digging into my hips and-_

No. Stop right there. Don't even think about it.

I went to strip off my sweat dampened shirt when I heard a loud bang echo through the house. My heart stopped dead as I stood as still as I could, ears straining for anther noise. All thoughts of Jacob and his hands disappeared in a flash. I was sure in that moment that it was her; Victoria had come for me at last.

Another clatter from the kitchen melted away the paralyzing fear. I grabbed the back stick loofah from the counter top and held it in front of me like a sword. As I edged my way to the door, I had distant thoughts that told me just how ridiculous I looked, as if a loofah would hold up against an indestructible force like Victoria. I gripped it harder in my damp palms. Wild plans of making a run for it flooded my mind, but I knew it would be useless - the only way out of this house was through the kitchen. I heard footsteps and braced myself for freezing fingers around my neck and blood red eyes.

My heart kicked into overdrive. It was beating so fast it felt like it was trying to force its way out my chest. I was never going to see Charlie or Forks again. I was going die without being able to say good bye to any of the people I loved. And Edward, what would he find when he came home?

My breathing was horribly loud as small dark woman came around the corner and dropped the black rubbish bag she was holding in surprise, sending trash from the bag spilling all over her white shoes. She stared at me for a long moment, looking just as shocked as I felt. A loud clatter made me jump so violently it took a moment to realize that _I _had made the noise when I dropped my weapon. The little lady darted forward and picked it up, pushing it back into my hands. I stared at her, finally noticing that long handled feather duster that was sticking out of the pocket of the uniform she wore; realizing much too late that this must be the cleaning woman Edward had mentioned.

I opened my mouth to thank her but it was too dry for words. Her soft fingers squeezed my wrist for a moment and I could see worry in her eyes. She spoke then, a fluent string of Portuguese that I could not understand.

"I'm sorry. I don't understand you," I told her, shaking my head. The woman sighed, her face filled with concern. She was still holding onto my wrist with surprising strength, her face screwed up in concentration.

"Danger," she finally said. Even though this time she spoke in English, I still didn't understand her. Watching the myriad of emotions that passed over her face, I understood that she seemed to have realized as much. Her grip tightened further, almost to the point of pain. I struggled to pull my arm from her, but she wouldn't let go.

"Careful," she told me slowly. Still lost, I nodded my head vigorously, hoping to convince her that I understood,just so she'd let go of my hand. The woman finally released me and I snatched my hand back, rubbing my wrist. Without another word, she picked up the trash bag she had dropped and strode past me up the hall.

_What the hell was that? _

I watched her disappear down the corridor before making my way back to the bathroom. Ignoring my rumpled reflection, I tossed the loofah stick into the sink before stripping off and stepping under the still running water.

This place was going to drive me crazy.

* * *

><p>I gritted my teeth and attempted to keep the annoyance off my face as we approached the dock. Edward had come home at dusk with the dark circles gone from his eyes and excited by the idea he had come up with to take me to the mainland for dinner. I had refused at first. but he had won me over by showing me the empty shelves in the fridge. But it still seemed silly to me to get dressed up and travel on the boat for an hour for a dinner in a fancy restaurant that only one of us could eat.<p>

As Edward led me down the pier I ran my fingers through my hair, trying desperately to make it look some what presentable. I wished I had pulled it back before getting on the boat, but I knew Edward liked it better down. I cursed myself for not bringing one of the small purses I had left at the house. I could have filled it with emergency hair ties and brushes so I would never be in this position again. Maybe Alice was on to something with the girly stuff I had never paid attention to before.

"You look beautiful, Bella," Edward said as he pried my hands away from my hair. I smiled at the compliment, even if I didn't feel particularly beautiful. My hair was a tangled mess and the shirt I was wearing was too low cut. Alice had called 'tastefully revealing' while I had stashed it under a pile of dirty laundry in my room. Somehow, she had found it and packed for me. Edward had insisted I wear it because of the navy blue color.

"Thank you, Edward," I replied politely, taking the arm he offered to me. We climbed off the boat and entered the marina, the street full of noise and light.

"Where are we going?" I asked as he led me through the crowd. People were singing and laughing all around me. I assumed it must be the weekend because of the amount of people on the street, but I wasn't sure. Days on Isle Esme had seemed to blend together in a haze of sun, frustration and scrambled eggs.

"Just up here." He motioned with his hand to the end of the street. A male voice called out from one of the bars and Edward's head snapped in his direction. I couldn't help but look too, and saw a few men pointing at me. From the expressions on their faces, I didn't need to read minds to guess what they were talking about so animatedly. God only knows what they were thinking of, but judging from the look on Edward's face, I was sure it wasn't nice. Turning away from them, I tried to force the shirt higher up my body.

"Don't worry about it, Edward," I muttered as I crossed my arms over my chest. He was still glaring in the direction of the bar as we set off again. Reluctantly, I took his arm again with one hand. Feeling self conscious, I didn't look up from my fingers clutching his arm. I hoped no one else would notice my appearance. As soon as I got back to the house I was going to burn this thing.

I stumbled a little in my heels when Edward stopped suddenly. The restaurant in front of us wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Knowing money meant nothing to the Cullen's, I had been expecting to go to the most over priced, five star hotel Edward could find. The place he had chosen was small and was filled with little tables lit by candle light. There were only a few couples here and it felt warm and cozy. A pretty waitress led us to secluded table at the back.

"All the papers rave about this place, claiming it has best food in Rio," Edward told me as I picked up a purple menu. He tugged the menu out of my grasp before I could even open it.

"You won't be able to read it," he explained before I could open my mouth.

"So, best food in Rio, huh? Shame you won't be able to have any of it," I teased him as he flipped through the menu. His eyes scanned the words on the paper quickly.

"I don't mind. You will enjoy it, which means I will, too," Edward said, tossing the menu back on to the table.

"So you will be living through me vicariously?" I summed up, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Exactly," Edward laughed easily. I reached out and grasped his hand on the table. The lit candles on the table made the golden wedding band on my hand sparkle softly. Cold fingers played with my ring, twisting it in gently circles. Edward lifted my hand to his mouth and gently pressed his lips to each fingertip.

"You look good enough to eat Mrs. Cullen," he said in a low voice and I felt my face flush. _If only_, I couldn't help but think. Maybe it was the 'tastefully revealing' shirt that was making Edward so relaxed.

The stash of frightening lingerie Alice had packed for me didn't seem so embarrassing now. Wild plans of waltzing around the house in nothing but scraps of black lace filled my mind. Before I had the chance to entertain the thought any further, the same waitress appeared at our table with a white note pad and pen.

The girl smiled at Edward and ignored me completely. It reminded me a little of the waitress at Bella Italia. As if on cue, she leant forward and touched his arm lightly, as if by accident, and laughed at something he had said to her. I looked around the rest of the room and noticed the young waitress wasn't the only one eyeing Edward. Women of all ages, from patrons to staff, were sneaking glances at him. I squeezed his hand tighter, wanting to stake some claim on him, but like the waitress, no one seemed to notice my presence at all. I watched the waitress scribbling away on her notepad as she left our table.

"Did you order?" I asked Edward.

"Of course."

"But you didn't ask what I wanted," I said with a frown. I let go of his hand.

"I ordered you the ravioli like in Port Angeles during our first meal together," he told me with a smile, sure that this would be a romantic gesture. I had already had one too many reminders of Port Angeles tonight, and between the men on the street and the way the waitress had all but thrown herself at Edward, I was dangerously close to snapping at my husband.

But then, "Oh," was all I could get out.

"Is that ok?" Edward asked, concern written all over his face.

"Yeah, it's fine," I mumbled but it really wasn't. Jacob's Bella did not like this one bit. In fact Jacob's Bella was furious.

_He's picking your food now?_**She** seethed.

_What's that supposed to mean?_

_Well he picks your clothes, your food and-_

_Oh, no you don't,_ I thought angrily, forcing the other Bella back into her drawer. I was not going to let her make Edward out to be one of those controlling husbands you read about in magazines or heard about on the news. All he had done was pick out something he thought I would enjoy, I rationalized to myself. That hardly made him a control freak.

"If you want to change the order Bella, its ok," Edward tried again, but I shook my head at him, reaching out and rejoining our hands.

"No, thank you. There's nothing I would enjoy more than a good ravioli," I assured him. The drawer was silent but the words she had said continued to echo in my mind.

_He picks yo__ur clothes, your food_.

No, Edward was just trying to help me, that's all.

The food arrived and the flirtatious waitress was back, distracting me from the fact that I was fighting with myself. The waitress dumped a huge plate of ravioli unceremoniously in front of me before turning her attention back to Edward. As soon as she left, with an exaggerated sway of her hips, I grabbed a fork and shoved a generous portion into my mouth. I nearly gagged. I had never tasted anything more revolting in my life and I've eaten Renee's cooking.

"How is it?" Edward asked, as he traced little circles on the inside on my wrist. I forced myself to put more of the disgusting pasta into my mouth. I glanced over his shoulder at the waitress who was busy in the bar. Maybe she had poisoned my meal, though it seemed unlikely. Much more likely was that Edward's review was off. The lack of people in the restaurant didn't feel cozy anymore. Probably everyone who was a local knew that this was _not_ where the best food in Rio was.

Jacob's Bella was laughing at me from her drawer.

"Great!" I lied, swallowing down the sticky mush.

I ate mechanically for the next thirty minutes, forcing down as much of the meal as I could. I made sure I smiled and nodded at my husband while he told me about what the rest of his family were doing back in Forks. I barely heard a word of it though.

All I could think about was that if I had had the opportunity to choose for myself, I wouldn't be eating this huge plate of pasta. And I wouldn't have to pull this shirt up every two seconds so that my boobs didn't fall out onto the table.

_If you had a real choice__, you might not be here at all_, **she** said quietly.

I wasn't surprised that **she** had snuck back out of the drawer, but I _was_ surprised to find that I agreed with her. If I had made another choice, I wouldn't even be married right now. I would be on the beach with a towering bonfire or with sitting on the couch with Charlie, waiting for the phone to ring so I could hear his deep voice. I could have been in a cold garage with a smile on my face and a warm soda in my hand. I might have been speeding along a dirt track on his bike, my arms around his middle so I wouldn't fall off. He would take the corners too fast and laugh at me when I scolded him.

Instead, I was eating trash.

_Maybe you made the wrong choice_, **she** whispered at me as I forced another bite down. _Maybe you made a mistake_, **she** continued softly. But this _wasn't_ a mistake - it _couldn't_ be. I didn't need Jake like I needed Edward. I couldn't breathe without Edward by my side. He couldn't be a mistake all because he ordered bad ravioli. It was just food, it meant nothing.

_It'll mean even less when you're dead._

I swallowed loudly and put down my fork, ignoring the last few bites. Edward paid the bill, still talking about something Emmett and Jasper had done. I didn't even try to act like I was paying attention now. I wasn't sure if he knew whether or not I was listening to him. If he did know he never mentioned anything.

The other Bella stayed quiet during the trip home, and with the wind tearing passed us, I didn't even have to pretend to make conversation with Edward. I was thankful for the silence from both of them. I decided I wasn't going to let the other Bella talk anymore. **She** was biased; **she** didn't understand how much I needed Edward. I would be a wreck without him. I couldn't _survive _without him.

Edward was my life and that's all there was to it. Some choices, like the decision to marry Edward, couldn't be undone. I _didn't_ want it undone…

Even though I hated the shiny black credit card in my wallet with 'Mrs. Bella Cullen' stamped on it.

Even though it meant losing Charlie and Renee and eventually Forks.

I shook my head. All of that was worth it, so long as I didn't lose Edward.

Edward deserved all of me. I couldn't do this; I couldn't let another man destroy my future with my soul mate. I had to push **her** away; I had to push Jacob away. My mother had once told me that marriage is about sacrifice and this is what I was going to give up. I wouldn't let _him_ hold a place in my heart when I knew I had to give it to Edward. I had to stop loving _him_, for both of us.

"We are home, love." Edward voice was so close it startled me. I looked up at the dark house we had been in for the last two weeks.

"Home," I repeated, but I stumbled over the word. So I smiled up at Edward, but inside I felt like I was drowning. Because despite all of the decisions I had just made to shut **her** out, to love Edward with all of my heart, to give _**him**_up, _**this**_didn't feel like home at all.


	3. Chapter Two: Pyromaniac

**A/N:** Woot chapter two is here! So I may have had an epic, _epic, _temper tantrum during the construction of this chapter. Things were thrown, cats were yelled at, boyfriends were argued with and a ridiculous number of cigarettes were smoked. But it's ok now. Because I have the wonderful GG to make my mistakes into awesomeness! She's also nominated for the Jacob Black N Pack awards this year for best banner maker and best beta due to her awesomeness. Just saying you know *wink*

Also big thanks go to Tamfan who kindly loaned me her name even when I told her that 'the character is basically just a huge slut.' You have been such a good friend to me since I came into fafiction and I just wanted to thank you. For being a friend, for making me lol and for being a perv with me :D (Tam's nominated too you know!)

And I wanted to say thank you also to everyone who nominated my other story, A Week in the Life of Jacob Black, for the five awards its up for. Seriously guys my socks they have been rocked. I love you all!

If you wanna check out the awards go to here. You will have to remove the (dots) and wat not and I suck at computer stuff so I bet that it doesnt work. Just google Jacob Black n Pack Awards if it doesnt : (http:/)jacobblack-n-pack(dot)blogspot(dot)com/?zx=c0ceab728ca39efd

**Chapter Two**

**Pyromaniac **

_Step one, light me on fire._

_Step two, walk clean away._

_I won't burn long,_

_And evidence of your done wrong will be gone,_

_In seconds I swear._

In fact – Gregory and the Hawk

"Shit!"

I yanked my hand out from under the hood of the Rabbit to survey the damage. As I watched, a large, grease covered cut on my palm healed before my eyes. Wiping the remaining blood on my jeans, I chucked the offending pair of pliers across the garage in frustration. It landed on the dirty concrete floor with a clunk.

I shoved away from the car, kicking the tyre for good measure. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Every little thing reminded me of her. I wished I had been able to run, but as soon as Sam caught whiff of my plan, he had Alpha ordered me into submission. I had tried to fight it, but it was no good. I couldn't even _think_ of going anywhere more than thirty miles away without my head splitting open in pain.

Actually, attempting to run was far worse**.** I had ended up falling out of my car on the side of the road with my insides burning, my arms and legs trying to force me back to La Push without my permission. As a result, I wasn't really speaking to Sam much these days. I sat down heavily on one of the upturned milk crates and dropped my head into my hands.

I couldn't stand this much longer.

Every day was the same. I'd wake up desperate for news, but dreading it at the same time. Each time the phone rang, my stomach would lurch and I would wonder if this was _the call_. Would Charlie be on the line trying to choke out that her plane had crashed and Bella wasn't coming home? Or maybe the story would be that she had died of some tropical illness from where ever the blood sucker had taken her on her honeymoon.

When no such phone call came, I would hide in my garage like a recluse, working on the Rabbit as much as I could before my brain gave up on me and shut down completely for the day. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to hear them say that they were sorry or catch the sympathetic looks they shot at me when they didn't think I was watching. In fact, the only time I did see anyone was when I had to patrol, and even then the Pack were very careful to keep any thoughts of Bella or her honeymoon out of their minds.

Yeah, so I was acting like a little bitch, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Just thinking about that leech taking Bella away for a honeymoon made my blood boil. Bella's words at the wedding about having a _real_ honeymoon made me feel physically sick. The thought of that _thing_ touching her in such a way plagued me constantly. He was going to kill her; I was certain of it. Bella would come back either in a body bag or as a living corpse. The scary thing is, I couldn't decide which would be worse.

And it didn't help that even though the blood sucker had won, that she had married him and was allowing him to murder her, I still saw her every time I closed my eyes. I swore that the clothes I had worn at her wedding still carried her scent. It probably didn't help that I had stashed them in a plastic bag under my bed like some love sick crazy person. But, I had reasoned, I had so little of her to hold on to.

Sure, I had a few photos of us before _they_ had come back. Taken when I was still fixing her, she was almost smiling at me in all of them. I kept our bikes too, shoved away in a back corner of the garage with an old sheet thrown over them. I couldn't stand to look at any of it; the pictures, the bikes, the clothes. But I also couldn't bear to throw any of it away.

Throughout all of this, though, there had been one good distraction, something that had allowed me to take out my rage in a much healthier way than hoarding Bella-scented clothing.

Victoria was still sniffing around.

I wanted nothing more than to run her down and rip her to shreds before watching her burn. When I wasn't spending my time wondering if Bella's heart was still beating, I was prowling the forest, desperate to catch Victoria's scent.

"Jake!" Dad's voice called out from the house, jerking me back to reality.

"What?" I hollered back, though what I really wanted to yell was, 'get lost'.

"Can you come here?" With a heavy sigh, I forced myself to my feet. I knew what was coming. Dad had been on a campaign for the last week, trying to force me out of the garage and to go out with my friends. ButI was being stubborn, determined to avoid contact with everyone. I just needed a bit of time. The problem was that I got my stubbornness from my father.

Dad was on the porch when I came out of the garage, and he wasn't alone. Embry was sitting on the porch steps, but he leapt to his feet as I came into view, a big smile plastered on his face. I felt annoyed that Dad had managed to coerce my friend into his plans and didn't even have the decency to look guilty about it. I stopped a few feet away from the porch and shoved my hands into my pockets.

"Hey, Embry," I muttered, ignoring my Dad. I hated seeing that huge shit eating grin on his face. He had something planned and I didn't think I could get out if it this time.

"Hey, Jake. How are you doing?" Embry asked, his voice overly enthusiastic. Oh yeah,_ Dad _was written all over this. I shot him a glare before shrugging at Embry.

"So, Embry was just telling me about a bonfire that's going on tonight, Jake," Dad said meaningfully. It took a herculean effort, but I managed to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

"Oh, yeah?" Apparently**, **herculean efforts didn't extend to cover sarcasm**.**

"Yeah, you should come, Jake," Embry piped up. I crossed my arms across my chest. I wasn't going to make this easy on them. I knew they were trying to help me, but I still wanted to wallow for a little bit. I mean, it's not everyday that the love of your life chose to _die_ rather than be with you.

Actually, that was almost _exactly _what had happened every week for the past three months… but still.

"No, thanks. I've gotta patrol," I told him curtly.

"Well… I kind of talked to Sam about that. He said you could have the night off," Embry informed me, but his smile was gone now.

I briefly wondered what my face looked like because he suddenly looked wary.

"I don't want the night off," I snapped. I glowered at my so-called friend, who had quickly dropped the happy façade and now looked alarmed, worried. I felt a small twinge of guilt, but not enough to try to stop talking my way out of this.

"Jacob," Dad said sternly, rolling forward to the edge of the porch.

"What?" I barked, turning my glare on him.

"Your friend has come over and he's worried about you. You are going to that party. Here-" Dad pulled his wallet out of his front pocket and held out a crumpled fifty dollar bill."Go out and have fun."

"I'm not taking your money, Dad," I protested loudly.

"Why not? You have no problem eating everything in the house, which, by the way, I pay for with my money," Dad snorted, shoving the note into my hand.

"It's not the same thing. I don't want to waste your money on a stupid bonfire," I growled, trying to push the money back at him, but his chair slid backwards**,** out of my reach.

"You are going to that party, Jacob Black, and you are going to have a good time," he ordered angrily. His smile was gone now, too, and he was wearing what Rach and Beck used to call his 'serious face'. Deep frown lines etched across his forehead as his eyes bore into me.

"Dad-" I started to whine, but he cut me off.

"Don't you 'Dad' me, boy!" he thundered, his face turning a dangerous share of red. I held my ground stubbornly, despite the quiet, desperate voice in my head reminding methat the last time I had seen Dad this mad was when Rebecca was twelve and had been caught shoplifting in Forks.

"It'll be fun, Jake." Embry interrupted, clearly trying to defuse the situation. "Quil raided his mum's alcohol stash and he has fireworks! I dunno where he got them from, but uh…" Embry trailed off, looked down at Dad as if he just remembered that he was there.

Dad blinked, slow and lazily, his gaze landing carefully on Embry. "What did you say? I sure didn't hear anything about fireworks or illegal drinking," Dad assured him.

"Right... So, anyways, you should come," Embry concluded with a grin, but I couldn't help but notice that it didn't quite reach his eyes. I scrunched the fifty dollar note in my palm. I looked at Embry's worried face and then my fathers', which, to my disappointment, was as full of anger and determination as mine.

"Fine." I gave up with a sigh. Dad's serious face dissolved instantly into a broad smile, the one I always loved, but saw so rarely - his _real_ smile.

"Great. Don't worry about your curfew, Jake," he said happily, but then added, "Not that you ever do." I lost my eye rolling battle this time, but I don't think he cared.

"Sure, sure," I muttered, waving over my shoulder as I strode away from him, Embry at my side.

"Have fun!" Dad called out after me. Grumbling under my breath about conspiracies, I shoved the fifty bucks in my back pocket. Not that I was going to spend it, of course.

"So, how mad are you right now?" Embry asked as we headed off in the direction of the beach.

"Put it this way - If I were Alpha, you would be doing double shifts until your grandkids were in college," I told him, kicking a rock on the path with the toe of my shoe. I watched as it sailed a good fifty feet before dropping to the ground.

"Come on, it'll be fun. It's not just a Pack meeting, you know," Embry said, winking at me. "It's pretty much a one hundred percent guarantee that there will be at least twenty to thirty hot chicks there, all trying to get in with La Push's most infamous gang."

"You just love the notoriety, don't you?" I asked, and couldn't help but to smirk. This was why I didn't want to hang out with my friends; they all had the uncanny ability to make me feel better, even if it was just a little bit. And I wasn't quite done with being miserable.

"Of course I love it," Embry grinned. "I reckon that more than a few would be happy to help cheer you up too, if you know what I mean." He gave me a suggestive nudge with his elbow.

"No," I snarled. I stopped walking and stared down at the path, wishing I had a few more rocks to kick.

"No? Come on, I'm talking about gorgeous girls willing to take off-"

"I know what you meant. I don't want that," I cut him off. "I'm not ready yet, Embry."

"Ok, fair enough." Embry held his hands up in surrender. Embry didn't bring up girls again as we made our way down to the beach. He did, however, go on in detail about where he was going to shove one of Quil's fireworks if he caught Paul unawares.

"I mean, your sister is in town, so it'll be a piece of cake," Embry assured me excitedly. I pursed my lips together to keep my face as neutral as I could, but, though I hated to admit it, the idea of Paul with his ass on fire had me almost smiling again for the first time in two weeks.

* * *

><p>Embry's prediction of swarms of hot girls turned out to be accurate. Before night had fallen, it seemed more than half of our school was on the beach. Quil was gaining much admiration for supplying all the alcohol. He hadn't just raided his mother private alcohol stash; from the looks of it, he had emptied half of her store. Embry had long since disappeared into the shadows, a leggy blonde girl from Forks in tow.<p>

Most of the Pack was in attendance too, except for the younger kids and Sam. They were all out on patrols still. I was surprised that Sam had allowed this, seeing as Victoria was still around. I was starting to wonder about when I could sneak off without being noticed, or if I was going to have to create some kind of a diversion, when a random girl dropped down onto the sand next to me.

"Hi, Jake," she said happily, and I was momentarily surprised she knew my name. I hadn't the faintest idea who this chick was. She did look somewhat familiar, so I figured she must be from my school. She flipped back her long black hair and smiled at me.

"Hey," I muttered, trying to be polite.

"Great party, isn't it?" she asked, fluttering her eyelashes at me so enthusiastically that it looked like she was having a seizure or something.

"I guess." The girl looked disappointed at my lack of interest. She must have been hoping for a better reaction, but all I could think was that she was nothing like Bella. Sure, she was pretty, and her dress was so short I was surprised I couldn't see her underwear, but there was no pink blush staining her cheeks or worn out sneakers on her feet.

"Having fun?" she asked as she took a big gulp out of a clear plastic cup. The smell of vodka made my nose burn. She shifted a little closer to me and I fought the urge to lean away.

"Not really," I grumbled. Couldn't she take the hint that I just wanted to be left alone? From the way people had been avoiding me so far tonight, I may as well have been holding a sign that said 'talk to me and die'. Unfortunately, this girl seemed determined to get my attention.

"I like your shirt," she tried again, reaching out and tugging on the front. She was so close to me now I could feel her breasts brush against my arm. I looked down. The shirt was once white but was now a dirty grey. It was oil stained and one of the sleeves was ripped. Her hand was toying with the frayed bottom, fingernails scraping lightly along the skin of my abdomen.

"Thanks," I told her, gripping her wrist and returning it to her lap. She looked flabbergasted. I was certain that this was a move that had never failed her before. I bit my tongue, trying not laugh at her.

"Move it, skank." I looked over my shoulder to find Leah right behind me. The nameless girl scrambled to her feet. I was almost certain I heard a squeak of fear before she hurried away to the opposite side of the party. Leah sat down in her spot, stretching her long legs out in the sand.

"How'd you do that?" I asked her in amazement, watching the girl across the fire turn her back to us.

"I embrace my inner bitch," Leah told me with a smile.

"Yeah, and share it with the world," I whispered under my breath. Leah's balled up fist struck my arm faster than lighting.

"Ow, jeez, Leah," I exclaimed, rubbing my arm. Ok, so it didn't really hurt that much, but she had enough werewolf strength in her that I definitely felt it.

"Don't complain. I got rid of her for you, didn't I?" Leah pointed out.

"I guess," I sighed, looking back over the bonfire. From the way she was fawning over Paul, I was sure that the girl had already forgotten me. Her hand was on his arm and they were laughing. Rachel was going to be pissed when she saw that. Leah punched me again.

"What?" I snapped at her. Glaring at her, I tried to work out which was worse; being hit on by some random touchy feely girl or having Leah punch me all night long.

And to think that I could be alone in my room with that new Victoria's Secret catalogue right now. Not that it would work, of course. None of them looked enough like Bella for me.

"Aren't you going to thank me?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at me. I felt like telling her to go blow it out her ass, but she raised her fist again threateningly.

"Thank you for being a bitch, Leah. I really appreciate it so very much," I told her sarcastically. Leah grinned as if I had told her she was the most wonderful person in the world.

"You're welcome," she said happily, dropping her hand to the sand. The silence that fell between us was undeniably awkward. I had no idea what to say to her. I had known Leah for as long as I could remember, but she had been Rach and Beck's friend. Plus, her distaste of anything to do with cars, Batman or melting my army men in the microwave had meant we had never really hit it off. But now being thrown into the whole werewolf mess together had forced me into her head every time I phased. Learning all the things about each other that you wanted to keep secret didn't really make for a great friendship.

Not that I wanted to be friends with Leah, of course. She was a pain in my ass more often than not.

I felt sorry for her though, which I was sure she knew and hated. But at the same time, I felt weirdly in sync with her. Our experiences with the opposite sex were almost identical. We were both in love with someone who couldn't even see us, both had broken hearts, and both of us were extremely bitter about it. There was no imprint in my story and no one was going to die in Leah's, but they were the same story never the less.

Even though Bella would end up losing her life in this mess, I couldn't help but feel that Leah had gotten the short end of the stick. She was forced to be in Sam's mind all day long, listening as he thought of the person he had dumped her for. I was sure I wouldn't have been able to handle that. Dying was easier to wrap your head around.

"Although, it probably would have been good for you if you had just rolled with it," Leah said, interrupting my train of thought.

"Huh?"

"She liked you," Leah explained rolling her eyes. "Why didn't you just jump her?" I took a deep breath and tried my best to ignore her. I had already had this conversation once today; I was not having it again. It didn't help that I could see her shaking with suppressed laughter. She was enjoying this way too much.

"Jump her not strong enough for you?" Leah quipped. She waited, as if she were expecting me to answer. I gritted my teeth and stared across the fire at the other party goers, anything to get my mind off this conversation.

"How about boning then?" _Don't rise to it Jacob_, I chanted to myself.

"Screwing?" _Ignore it, ignore her_. I clenched my fists so I didn't end up shoving them in my ears to block her out. Maybe if I gave her that fifty bucks she would leave me alone.

"Bumping uglies?" Nothing about being intimate with Bella would be ugly. She was beautiful with her soft skin and big brown eyes and – _Goddammit, stop thinking about Bella!_ But once I started I couldn't stop.

"Personally, I like fucking the best. What about you, Jake?" Leah sneered.

_Bella's lips would be so soft against mine, small hands would wrap around my neck_…

"Leah…" I growled in warning. My arms were shaking now. I was going to kill her if she did not stop talking soon.

"Oh, I know! You should have rocked her casbah!" she continued gleefully.

_Bella's__ fingers would run through my hair, groaning my name. Her eyes would be half closed as she asked – no, __**begged**__ - me for more. _

"I'm serious. If you don't shut up…"

"Don't tell me you're into the mushy shit. You know, 'making love', or what the fuck ever. Or maybe-"

"Yeah, ok, I get it!" I snarled at her, desperate for her to stop talking. I forced my Bella fantasy away. Leah _finally_ fell silent.

For about thirty seconds.

"So, why didn't you?" Leah asked, a little mischievous smile on her face. I groaned and ran my fingers through my short hair.

"You know why," I hissed at her. This was almost making me wish I _was_ Alpha. If I was, I would order Leah to run the patrol lines for three days straight. Even that seemed a little light; maybe a week would be better.

"Ah, yes. I forgot the bloodsucker-to-be has you wrapped around her little finger. I don't know how I _could_ forget that, though, seeing as how you harp on and on about it. Every day and-"

"Will you shut up?" I yelled so loudly that half of the party turned their heads toward us. The rest of the Pack didn't bother though, and I was certain they had heard the whole conversation. I was sorely tempted to jump up and storm away in a huff like a two year old, self respect be damned.

"I'm just trying to help," Leah said, her voice much softer now.

"Yeah, well, you're not," I snapped at her. I took a deep breath to try and calm myself down. Silence fell for a few moments before a warm hand squeezed my forearm.

"Jake," she said quietly so the other wolves around us would not be able to hear. "I can't believe I'm going to say this."

Oh God, what could she possibly say now? Running away like a little girl suddenly seemed like a good plan. A very good plan, in fact. Screw waiting for a diversion or holding onto the last shreds of my dignity - I was going to make a break for it.

"I didn't mean to hurt your, uh, feelings," she stammered. I whipped my head around so fast I was surprised my neck didn't snap. I felt my eyebrows lift incredulously. Could it be? Leah Clearwater was attempting to _apologize_? Damn, why didn't I have my phone on me? Something this epic had to be on YouTube.

"Go on," I prodded, actually enjoying talking to someone for the first time tonight. She squirmed a little in the sand, her fingers fluttering nervously on my arm. I watched her take a deep breath, visibly struggling to pull herself together.

"I'msorryforwhatIsaid," she said in such a rush I could barely tell one word from another. She glanced over her shoulder as if she was expecting someone to jump out and ridicule her. For the second time that night, I clamped down on my tongue to stop myself from laughing aloud.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" I asked her seriously. She turned her dark eyes on me, and if looks could kill, I would be a small, smoldering spot on the floor right now.

"I said, I'm sorry," she mumbled under her breath.

"You're what? I didn't quite catch that," I teased, feeling the beginnings of a smile form on my face. It felt weird, like my cheeks were all twisted into an unfamiliar shape. But just as suddenly, and with the force of a wrecking ball, I remembered exactly how screwed up and miserable my life was right now. Not even Leah could distract me from that fact. I stopped smiling abruptly. It felt wrong somehow, unnatural. Leah was now clutching handfuls of damp sand.

"If you make me say it one more time, Jacob Black, I'll make sure you never, ever father a child," she warned viciously.

"Ok, ok, fine. Apology accepted," I conceded.

"If you tell anyone Jacob-"

"Yeah I know; you'll rip my balls off."

"Good," she huffed and let go of my arm.

Loud laughter drew my attention away from Leah as Embry finally stumbled out off the forest, looking thoroughly rumpled. The blonde haired girl was holding his hand and she had leaves in her hair. I watched him say goodbye to her, with much kissing and groping, and telephone numbers being exchanged. He sauntered his way over to our side of the fire, Quil thumping him on the back as he walked past.

"Hey, man." Embry looked relaxed as he sat down on my other side, ignoring Leah "That girl is a wild cat. Good thing we wolves heal fast, because the way she was digging those nails in would have seriously messed up my back otherwise."

"Ugh, do you have to?" Leah leant forward and glared at Embry. "It's bad enough that I have to see your pathetic sexual exploits in my head all the fucking time without having to listen to you brag about them, too."

"Just sharing the love, baby," Embry said with a laugh, winking at her. Leah's face actually went red with anger. She jumped to her feet and gave him a scathing look.

"Yeah, share this, Call." Leah flipped him the bird before stalking off.

"What's up her ass?" Embry asked, looking bewildered.

"No idea. She's been weird all night," I told him, watching Leah march up the beach into the darkness.

"Seriously, though, that Tami," Embry let out a low whistle. "We were barely undercover before she started tearing my shirt off. And those tits! I swear, I've never seen a more perfect pair in my life! I could have played with them forever!"

I groaned in frustration. Why was the whole world obsessed with sex? It had been bad enough when Leah mentioned it, but I knew Embry. He could talk about girls in such explicit detail that Penthouse Magazine would have hired him on the spot if they ever overheard him. It ran through his mind enough to make all of us more than a little sick.

"Then, I had her up against a tree and she loved it. I don't think she even noticed how much I had to be scraping up her back. Shit, I'm surprised we didn't knock the tree over," he continued, not bothering at all to keep his voice down. I tried to shut him out, but the damage was done.

All I could think about was having Bella in my arms, her perfect legs wrapped around me and how they would feel around my waist.

"That mouth! I never knew someone could be so talented with their tongue!"

Bella had tasted like strawberries and cream the day I had kissed her on top of the mountain. I wanted to kiss every inch of her skin, run my tongue along curve of her neck. I wanted to feel her shaking under me.

"I'm serious, though, thank god for wolf metabolism. That girl could have gone on for hours, I swear."

I would spend days in her bed, learning every dip and line of her body. I would know it better than my own. I would devour her for every moment of every day for the rest of life if she would just give me the chance.

Bella, my Bella. I missed her so much it felt like a weight in my heart. It wasn't fair! We were made for each other, but somehow I wasn't enough in her eyes. It would have been as easy as breathing. It would have been right.

I had been so caught up thinking about Bella that when a loud bang sounded overhead I just about crapped myself. Jumping to my feet, I searched the crowds for danger. It took a few seconds before I saw the bright red and blue fireworks above us.

"It's just the fireworks, Jake," Embry laughed at me. I glared down at him sprawled out on the sand. Bella was still in my head, still kissing me and touching me and it was driving me insane. I couldn't turn it off. And it was entirely Embry's fault. Well, Leah's too, but she wasn't here.

"I'm going," I snarled at him, striding up the beach. _Stop thinking about Bella_, I scolded myself, _stop thinking about sex._

"But the party's just started!" Embry yelled at my back. I sped up, desperate to get away from the hormone crazed crowd.

"Jake!" he hollered after me, but I didn't stop. I could barely hear him over the mantra of Bella in my mind. I hated it, I wanted it to stop. It hurt too much to want her. It hurt that I wasn't enough. And thinking of her that way was tearing me up inside. It was choking me, killing me.

I broke into a run as if that could get me away from her.

* * *

><p>I crept into the house quietly, not wanting to wake up Dad. I could still hear the bangs of fireworks going off in the distance. I tossed the fifty dollars on the coffee table as I went past it. I snuck into my room, ripping off my shirt as I went before collapsing face first onto my bed.<p>

From Leah being a bitch to Embry being a sex maniac, I could not get Bella out of my head. She would be the death of me, of that I was certain. For so long, I had wanted Bella in everyway, and now, knowing I had no chance in hell with her, made me feel like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

I loved her; I wanted her here in my arms. I wanted to kiss her and protect her. I had tried to show her all of that when I had kissed her before the newborn battle. I had tried to show her all that I had to offer, all that I had to give. That we could be happy together. That we belonged together. But still, she had pushed me away.

Thinking about the kiss made me groan into my pillow. I didn't even try to stop it now as the memory her taste came rushing back to me. I remembered running my hands down her sides, loving how small and tiny she felt. She had been flush against my body, her little breasts pressed against my chest. I could almost feel them on my skin and felt myself growing hard.

I could almost feel her lips dropping small sweet kisses on my chest, her cool hands running down my back. Her hair would be loose, spread out all over my pillow. She would smell so fucking good and her skin would glow against mine.

_Stop it Jake!_ I flipped onto my back. I had fantasized about Bella before, but this was different. Back then, I'd had a chance, but I had no hope at all anymore. If I gave into this now, I was sure I'd go nuts. But it was pretty hard to ignore the tent I was now pitching. I glared at the ceiling for a good thirty seconds before unsnapping my jeans and forcing them down my hips, closing my eyes.

Fuck it.

I reached down and grasped the base of my now rock hard dick with one hand, the other raking under the bed for the battered bottle of lotion. I imagined Bella kneeling in front of me, stroking me, wide eyed and excited. I stroked the length of it, swallowing back a groan. For one last time, I could indulge my fantasy, that this wasn't me, that it wasn't my hand; this it was Bella.

Bella was more relaxed now and she gripped me harder. She would bite her lip and her cheeks would be stained a wonderful pink. Her hair would fall over her chest, but I would still see her perfects breasts, the nipples hard and begging me to touch them. I wanted to put my mouth to them so I could hear her moan and feel her squirm above me. She would kiss me, her hand still strong and firm on me.

I shifted my weight and forced the zipper down further. One of my legs hung off the side of my too small bed and my knuckles scraped against the denim. It had been too long since I had allowed myself to do this and the friction felt incredible. I sucked on my lower lip as I finally gave in and concentrated on all things Bella.

I imagined her warm mouth on my dick instead, her pink tongue tasting and licking. I felt myself twitch in my hand at the image. She would moan as she tasted me, her hands running down my chest, nails scratching lightly. I would be able to smell just how turned on she was, how much she enjoyed this. I could almost feel her hair between my fingers and brushing along my thighs.

My hand was faster and rougher now as I pictured her on her knees in front of me, eyes dark and full of lust as she sucked hard, hollowing her cheeks. I imagined her tongue swirling round me, driving me to the edge. I felt my hips lifting from the mattresses as I gripped myself harder, all the while my mind still on Bella as she licked and sucked. She would run her own hands up her body, fingers caressing herself, palming her tits for me because she knew I couldn't reach them.

Those hands would trail south, tracing over her stomach, fingernails raking the skin of her open thighs before reaching the place that would be so warm and wet. She would groan around my cock as she touched herself, fingers sliding over wet folds, pleasuring herself while teasing me with what was just out of my reach.

The thought of how she would smell made my head spin. I would grab that hand and take each finger into my mouth, tasting her. I would lick them clean and would love the embarrassed look that would cross her face. My breath was heavy and I was struggling to keep quiet enough so as to not wake up my father across the hall. My arms were shaking and I was close, so close.

"_Bella_," I couldn't help but groan. She would smile and stroke me harder, never stopping her assault on me with her lips and tongue and fingers. My heart was sprinting, sweat covered my body. To force myself to stay silent, I bit down hard on my lower lip, drawing blood.

My eyes snapped open and I grabbed the old shirt from the floor with a lotion covered hand as I came hard, catching it just in time. I lay still, one hand still wrapped around my half hard cock as my heart rate slowed and my breathing became normal. I couldn't believe how much better I felt; maybe Embry had been onto something. Maybe I should have taken Leah's advice and gone off with that random girl.

Bella had finally left my mind. I pulled my jeans up, not bothering with the buttons or zipper. Ever since Bella left, my memories had haunted me. Was this the only way to stop her from being constantly in my head? Jerking off at every chance I got? Damn, if that was the case I'd never leave my room.

I didn't think it would work though. Because even though I felt better, this was just a release and nothing more; Bella was already starting to creep back in.

I stared down at the filthy shirt in my hands in disgust. Suddenly, I felt like screaming. I felt like smashing my fist through the wall until I broke my hand. I was so sick of this shit. I threw the ruined shirt across the room and jumped to my feet. My hand wasn't as good as having Bella. I _couldn't _stay in this never ending circle of wanting her and not having her. I didn't want to spend my life dreaming about something that would never be mine!

I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't keep loving Bella; it just hurt way too much. I paced the three steps from my bed to the door over and over like a man possessed. She had left me even though she loved me. I wasn't enough. I was sick of feeling so angry and worthless when it came to her. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life wanting her, _needing_ her. And I really didn't want to keep jacking off into an old shirt every night just so I could get the thoughts of her out of my head.

I stopped dead in the middle of the room.

I had to get over her; I had to shut her out of my mind and my heart. I dropped to my knees and grabbed the plastic bag under the bed. Yanking open the drawer on my bedside table, I snatched up the small stack of photographs. Storming out of the room, I headed straight for the back door, grabbing a lighter from the kitchen worktop on my way.

I stomped down the back steps not caring about the noise I was making. Something else was burning through me now and I knew what it was.

_Hatred. _

I hated Bella for doing this to me. I hated her for choosing the blood sucker. I hated her for loving me.

And I loathed myself for loving her back.

I tossed the plastic bag into the old fire pit in my back yard. Clicking the lighter, I knelt down and held the flame to it without a moment's hesitation. I watched the bag catch fire quickly, spreading to the Bella-scented clothing inside. I stayed on my knees as her scent was destroyed in flame and smoke. I fed the photographs to the fire one by one, trying not to look at them in case I caught a glimpse of pale skin. The photographs curled in the heat, burning away her face.

As I watched the fire grow, I made a promise to myself. I would stop loving Bella Swan. I wasn't going to live like this for a second longer. And if she ever showed up, dead, alive, or as a blood sucking monster, there was no way in hell I was giving her the time of day.

I was done.

I was out.

And I tried my very hardest to ignore the way that my heart was ablaze in my chest as if I had thrown that into the fire, too.


	4. Chapter Three: Doubtful

**A/N:**Ok so again I am made of fail for just how long I took to update this. I'm moving and renovating a house atm. It sucks. But I'm done I have a chapter for you all so yay! Hopefully the next update wont take so long *fingers crossed*

Thanks as always go to the awesome GG who, despite what she says, is an amazing Beta! I love you girl! Oh and thank you so much for everyone who voted for A Week in the Life of Jacob Black in the Summer Awards. It came second place in Highest Hanky Count and I am blown away by your support. Thank you so much!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. None of these characters, lyrics or anything publicly recognizable are owned by me. I'm just playing with them :)

**Chapter Three**

**Doubtful**

_Lights go out and I can't be saved._

_Tides that I tried to swim against._

_You've put me down upon my knees._

_Oh I beg, I beg and plead._

Clocks - Coldplay

I wasn't sleeping anymore if I could help it. My dreams were too bright, too warm, and painfully unattainable. I was forcing myself to stay awake by any means necessary. Caffeine had become my best friend, although hiding all of the empty coffee cups from Edward had become difficult. But when the inevitable happened, I always dreamt of Jacob.

Those dreams seemed so real that I felt guilty, as if I had been sneaking around behind Edward's back. So when I woke up to find no warm body next to mine, I was instantly relieved.

And, at the same time, absolutely devastated.

Relieved because I hadn't lost Edward and still wore his ring on my finger, but shattered because, even though I hated to admit it, I was starting to enjoy the dreams. Sometimes, before I could catch myself, I would even find myself looking forward to them. I was becoming lost in them, not caring at the time that I belonged to someone else.

I was thankful that some how Jacob's name hadn't slipped out while I slept. Edward shouldn't have to overhear his wife having crude dreams about another man. And I had promised myself that I would get over this for Edward. I would give up my best friend for my husband because he deserved that much.

Because I loved Edward.

Even though sometimes all I wanted to do was bury myself under the thin sheets of the huge white bed until I fell into Jake's arms again.

I really did _not_ want to dream of him.

And yet, I really _did _want to dream of him.

I was well and truly on the train to crazy town now.

* * *

><p>I glared at the huge piles of tangled clothing around me. Unused cosmetics were strewn across the bed, and a pair of racy panties had some how ended up hanging from the bedroom door handle. I chucked a pair of sunglasses out of my suitcase to the floor.<p>

I was seriously contemplating murder.

Alice had packed me everything but the kitchen sink, but I could not for the life of me find my tampons. I had found my car keys, pepper spray (which I suspected was probably from Charlie), and four different kinds of bikini wax, but not one single tampon. And there was no way I was sending Edward to the main land to get them. That would be the most embarrassing conversation ever.

"_Hey, honey. I was wondering if you could power up the boat and just zip across to the main land because I've started bleeding from my vagina. Love you!"_

Yeah, right.

I dug deeper into my suitcase, wondering if it would just be better to tip the whole lot out onto the floor. Edward always kept his distance from me at this time of the month. It wasn't as bad as it used to be; before, we couldn't even be in the same house together. Now, he could stand to be near me, but we couldn't be as close as I wanted. It was another reason I was looking forward to the change.

Well, at least _most_ of me was looking forward to it.

The other Bella, the one who grumbled and groaned whenever I considered my future with my new husband, was securely locked in **her** drawer. I had no intention of letting **her** out, lest **she** drove me to do something stupid.

There had been a few frightening near misses before I finally shoved **her** away for good. It had started off small, like when I had nearly exploded at Edward for putting ketchup on my eggs. But when I had woken up after one exceptionally vivid dream to find my hand in my underwear and my fingers sticky, I had put my foot down.

Enraged with the whole situation, I gave up and up-ended the enormous suitcase. Shoving clothing out of the way, I finally found the little blue box I had been searching for. Squealing with glee, I snatched it up, wondering if anyone had ever been so happy to see a packet of tampons. I scrambled to my feet and started to pick my way across the destroyed room. I was almost to the bathroom when I stood on something hard and sharp.

"Son of a-" I yelped as I grabbed my foot. I wobbled precariously on one foot for a moment before crashing to the floor. The blue box of tampons flew out of my hand. Sitting up slowly, I looked around for what had caused me to fall. Something bright caught my eye and I reached over to grasp a silver chain on the floor.

I almost dropped it; it felt hot in my palm.

Jacob's bracelet.

I had apparently stepped on the heart Edward had attached to it and the small clasp had broken. I held the diamond heart in one hand and twisted the cool chain around the fingers of my other. I couldn't believe Alice had packed this. I hadn't worn it since the day before my wedding.

It was amazing how something so small could produce such a profound effect on me. My heart was thumping against my rib cage; my hands were shaking and sweaty. I didn't see the bright silver chain or the broken clasp that still hung from it. All I could see was the wolf. _His_ wolf. I couldn't bring myself to touch it.

It was exactly the same color as his fur, that warm, deep red. The amount of detail Jacob had managed to work into this tiny piece of wood was amazing. I couldn't picture Jake's overly large hands making something so small and delicate. I wondered how many attempts he made before producing this wolf. I could almost see Jake hunched over his father's wood working bench with hundreds of splintered wolves discarded around him. I brought it closer before using a fingertip to touch the wood.

The heart fell from my hand with a clatter, skidding across the floor away from me, lost in a pile of designer clothes. The wood felt warm, as if it had been lying in the sun. I cradled it in my now free hand. I could feel the grain of the wood on the sensitive skin of my palm. It was rough and smooth all at once; just like Jacob.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the fact that every time I closed my eyes, I could see his sunny smile, but most likely I just had PMS; the rough and smooth texture of the wood had my eyes burning.

I did not realize I was actually crying until tears landed on the charm resting in my hand. The Jacob hole in my heart ripped open with so much force that my breath caught in my throat. I bit down hard on my tongue to keep quiet. I did not want Edward to witness this. My body shook and my cheeks were wet.

An absolute sense longing dropped into my stomach like a lead weight. It wasn't just for my best friend, warm sodas and a musty garage. I missed my home. I wanted to be back in Forks and the ever-present rain. I missed the smell of the place. I missed my truck and cooking. I missed my Dad.

_If__you__miss__that__now__while__you__can__still__have__it,__how__do__you__think__you__'__ll__handle__it__once__you__can__'__t__go__back_? **She** asked me. **She** was so loud and clear in my mind that I almost choked in surprise. I shook my head, frustrated by my own thoughtlessness; **She**always slipped out of **her** drawer when I least expected it.

_Please,__don__'__t__do__this__now,_ I begged **her**. I felt stretched to the limit already, and I didn't think I could handle an argument with part of my brain I had no control over. But **she** wasn't giving up.

_You__could__have__all__that__and__you__'__re__choosing__to__throw__it__away_, **she**seethed.

_There__is__no__choice.__I__can__'__t__live__without__Edward,_I told **her**. It was true I couldn't leave Edward. He held me together and made me whole. I simply would not survive without him.

_There__is__always__a__choice,_ **she** retorted brutally. _There__is__always__a__second__chance!_

The feeling of warm hands and soft words came over me. Jake's face burst in front of my minds' eye in full color, _my_ smile on his lips and pushing long hair out of his eyes with his hand. The hole in my heart raged painfully. I fought the urge to wrap my arms around my waist to hold myself together.

_Why__are__you__doing__this__to__me?__Why__are__you__even__here?_I asked **her**desperately. I shoved his face away and buried my head in my hands, the cool chain of the bracelet pressed into my cheek.

_You__want__me__here,_ **she**challenged. _You__like__the__dreams!__You__want__them.__And__you__want__me!_

_No,__I__don__'__t!_I could feel Jake now, even if I could no longer see his smile. Hands that were way too hot brushed along my arms, hair as soft as silk tickled my skin. And I didn't like it. The pain of his absence was too real and raw.

_Yes, you do. _

_No._I tried to be stern with **her** but it sounded more like I was pleading. I needed **her** to stop. Couldn't **she** see **she** was torturing me?

_I'm part of you. _

That thought made me recoil, my head lifting out of my hands. It didn't scare me; instead, it made me angry. It made me so mad that Jacob's wolf cut painfully into my palm as I clenched it.

_No,__you__'__re__not!_ I would not let **her** control me; I was my own person. **She** didn't understand! **She** never would.

_I__wouldn__'__t__be__here__if__I__was__not__apart__of__you._**Her** voice was soft, almost seductive._If__you__really__wanted__me__gone,__I__wouldn__'__t__be__here.__But__you__already__knew__that,__didn__'__t__you?_

I did know that and the thought made bile rise at the back of my throat. I didn't want to be torn in two like this anymore. The wolf pendant was clasped so tightly in my hand that it felt like it was burning me. I shook my head, desperate to shake **her** from that place **she** claimed inside my mind.

I needed **her** to stop. **She** had to stop!

"I don't want you here!" I screamed aloud and flung my hand back to throw the bracelet across the room. I wanted out of this nightmare!

As my hand came up, it was stopped as suddenly as if someone had grabbed my wrist. **She** was quiet, for once, but one thing **she** had said echoed in my mind.

_**She****'****s** part of me; **she****'****s** only here because I want **her** here. _

That can't be true. I won't let it be true.

_But__it__is_, **she** whispered, and I could almost feel **her** smiling. I swallowed loudly and brought the bracelet to my chest. I felt strangely hollow from the shocking realization that I couldn't send her away for good. So did that mean I wanted the dreams of Jake to continue? That I didn't want **her** to leave?

What was wrong with me? Since when did I become such a masochist? Or maybe this was a punishment? Perhaps the price you pay for breaking your best friend was to slowly go mad, knowing that nothing you do could stop it?

With disturbing clarity, I remembered the frightening mix of defeat, anger, and that something else on Jacob's face at my wedding. I was well aware of what I had done to him. I had broken him. Wasn't it only fair that part of me was to be broken, too?

I was getting my comeuppance and all of me knew that I deserved it.

"Bella?" I snapped my head around at the sound of his voice. Edward stood at the doorway, brows wrinkled in concern at the mess around me. I could tell he wasn't breathing.

"Edward!" I tried to hold myself together, but his name came out like a sob. I held out my empty hand, the other still clutched to my chest. He crossed the room and was kneeling in front of me before I even had the chance to blink. His strong arms hefted me into his lap and I buried my face in his neck. I knew what this cost Edward to hold me like this and my heart just about gave out in gratitude.

"It's alright, love," he shushed me, his cool breath sending shivers down my spine. **She** stayed quiet; I think **she** knew that I had been pushed beyond my breaking point. I grabbed at Edward's shirt, the tears still falling freely, soaking into the dark grey material. I put my other arm around his neck, the silver bracelet dangling from my fingers. A distant part of me realized how strange it looked dangling next to my golden wedding ring.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Edward asked, stroking my hair. "How can I help?"

"I just need you to hold me, Edward," I pleaded, parting my knees so that I could straddle him. My fingers disappeared in his hair, and my arms held onto him as tight as I could. I breathed in deep, inhaling his scent, desperate for the comfort only Edward could offer me. There was nothing sexual in these gestures and Edward knew it. He held me tighter, pressing his lips to my forehead.

"I have you, Bella. I won't let you go," he promised me. The rush of relief I felt at his words made my head spin. This was why I couldn't live without Edward. He was always there for me, because he held me and made my world better. He protected me even from myself.

"Don't leave me," I begged, my body shaking against his.

"Never," Edward assured me gently, his hands running down my back in soothing circles. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that my heart ached with how much I cared for him, but words didn't seem to be enough. Instead, I rested my chin against his shoulder and held him as he was holding me, trying to show him what he meant to me.

Even though I was crying in his arms over another man.

Jacob's bracelet caught the sun again and I scrunched it up into my palm. At the first opportunity I was going to get rid of it. I would throw it in the ocean, off a cliff, anything. I knew I deserved every ounce of punishment I got for breaking Jacob, but it would not be at the expense of my husband.

I pressed my face back into Edward's shirt. I was determined to forget my best friend… even though it felt like I was losing part of my heart.

* * *

><p>I meant to do it, really I did. But I couldn't. I had stood on the beach watching the tide going out, and I knew that if I took a few steps out into that water and opened my hand, the wolf would be gone forever.<p>

But my feet wouldn't move.

I couldn't bring myself to let go of that chain.

I couldn't let myself lose him.

I didn't want to drown my heart.

More than just Jacob's Bella was unwilling to let him go now. I put the bracelet on clumsily with one hand, the wolf pendant fitting snuggly inside my palm. I tried my best to ignore just how perfectly it fit around my wrist.

* * *

><p><em>I stretched out under heavy blankets, luxuriating in the feel of the clean linen. I kicked back the covers before sitting up, the familiar sound of rain pattering against the windows. The room was messy, with books and chipped mugs were scattered about. Clothing was draped over the dresser and dirty socks were hanging out of the hamper in the corner. The room had that wonderful lived-in feeling. I felt at peace here, completely at ease.<em>

"_Are you **still** in bed?" A deep voice made me turn to the right. Jake wondered out of the small ensuite in a pair of jeans with a white button down shirt in his hands. His short hair was wet from his shower and a toothbrush was sticking out of the side of his mouth._

"_We have to leave in less than an hour, honey," he mumbled around the toothbrush. I watched in silent awe as he pulled on the unbuttoned shirt. He took the toothbrush out of his mouth with a frown. _

"_Does this not look ok?" he asked, gesturing toward his body. I tried to answer him, but all that came out was a strangled croak. The crisp white fabric of his shirt looked amazing against his skin. His jeans hung so low on his hips I was surprised they didn't fall off. His hair was a disheveled mess and he had stubble on his jaw. Jake looked far from ok; he looked good enough to eat. _

"_Bells?" Jacob interrupted my ogling, and from the cheeky grin he flashed me, I was sure he had noticed. I had to clear my throat before I could answer. _

"_Yeah, Jake, it looks good," I assured him._

"_Just good, huh?" he asked, stepping closer to the bed with a devilish glint in his eyes. I scooted away from Jake with a laugh, but he was too quick for me. Strong hands hooked under my knees and pulled me across the bed on my back. Jake climbed onto the bed with me and the backs of my legs rested on his knees. I watched his warm hand run down my thigh, and didn't miss the white gold wedding band he wore. I pressed one palm against his chest, a matching ring on my finger. Jacob lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed my wrist._

"_Jacob, no! You've got toothpaste everywhere!" I scolded, but I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my face._

"_Oh, no!" Jake exclaimed with mock outrage. "It's ok. I know how to fix that." He brought my hand back to his mouth, his tongue darting out and licking the white froth away. My whole frame shivered as he slowly ran his tongue along the sensitive skin. The way my body reacted so violently to him ought to be criminal._

"_You missed some," I teased, wriggling my bottom until my shirt slid up my hips; by accident, of course. _

"_Did I?" he asked with a smirk._

"_Yeah, there," I ran my thumb over his lower lip. It stuck to my skin and I brought it to my mouth, sucking it off. I felt Jake's hips press into my own, his desire for me pushing against my thigh. I felt ridiculously powerful that I had the ability to turn him on with such a small gesture. _

"_Mmm," I moaned around my finger. Payback was a bitch. _

"_You fight dirty, Mrs. Black," Jacob accused as he chucked the toothbrush on the nightstand behind him. I pressed my hips to his again._

"_You like it," I said and gripped his open shirt and tugged on it. Screw the toothpaste. I wanted to kiss him, taste him. Jake knew exactly what I was up to, and allowed me to pull him down toward me. His lips were soft against mine, relaxed as if he knew he had all the time in the world to kiss me. Hands slipped under the thin nightshirt I was wearing, making me gasp into his mouth with surprise._

_And, of course, Jacob took advantage of that._

_He deepened the kiss, his hot tongue stroking against mine. My fingers were damp from his hair, but I barely noticed. He was so close and so warm. He smelled fresh and clean and the way his other hand ran over my bare thigh was making my heart race. I could have gone on like this forever. _

"_Mommy!" A shrill voice interrupted my bliss. I looked around dumbly as Jake pulled back fast, arranging the blanket over my naked legs. He was just in time too, as a small girl came bouncing into the room._

"_Mommy, you promised us waffles this morning!" she announced, climbing onto the end of the bed. Looking into this child's face was like peering into some strange mirror. She looked like me, with the same hair and eyes but her skin, while still light, wasn't as pale as my own. Her long arms and straight nose didn't belong to me either. They were all Jake._

_Even though I had never met this girl before, somehow I knew her. As she crawled over the blankets toward us, it clicked into place. She was a perfect blend of Jacob and me. She was my daughter._

_**Our** daughter._

"_Amy, let your mother wake up first," Jake shifted next to me, the blanket covering his lap. I bit my lip to stop myself from grinning. I knew what he was hiding. _

"_But Dad," Amy moaned with a pout. "They're my favorite." My gaze shifted quickly between them, and I instantly knew Amy was a total Daddy's girl and that she had him wrapped around her little finger. I was certain that with that one small tear, Jacob would be defenseless against our daughter. _

"_No, I don't mind," I said as I climbed out of bed. I made sure to press my thigh against the rough fabric of his jeans. He glared at me and I stuck the tip of my tongue out at him._

"_Oh goodie, because Jackson said he wants five!" Amy said happily, bouncing on her knees on the unmade bed. I grabbed a pair of sweats from the floor and pulled them on._

"_Guess he takes after you," I laughed, glancing at Jacob. _

"_Five is not enough for me. You know that, Bells," he replied. My smile was back on his face, making butterflies erupt in my belly. He did up the row buttons on his shirt, hiding his skin from my view. _

"_You want waffles too, don't you?" I asked him, already knowing the answer. Jake grinned sheepishly as he did up the last button. _

"_I'll help you, Mom." Amy grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the door. I glanced back over my shoulder at Jake still sprawled on the bed._

"_Don't you think for a second you're getting out of helping too, mister," I warned him jokingly before heading through the door. Seemingly confident I was not going back to bed, Amy let go of my hand and bounded down the hallway. I already missed the feeling of her fingers in mine._

_Unlike our bedroom, the kitchen was spotlessly clean. It felt strangely like my domain. I ran my hand along the wooden bench as Amy started opening every cupboard and drawer she could reach. Bowls and spoons clattered to the floor in her search. The fridge was covered in photos and drawings clearly done by children. Jacob came around the corner then with a small boy in dinosaur pajamas in his arms, looking like the spitting image of his father. Surveying the scene before me, I realized how easy and peaceful it all was._

"_Mommy," Jackson yawned, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Jake passed him to me and I tucked him into my side as if I had been doing it for years. _

"_Morning, darling," I said happily, and kissed his messy black hair. _

"_Daddy said we are having waffles," Jackson asked softly. I wondered if he was just like me; a little too shy for his own good, never raising his voice. I studied his face, sure that if it weren't for his darker skin tone, he would have been a blusher like me, too. _

"_Yup, and I heard you want five," I teased, poking his belly. Jackson squirmed in my grasp and I let him down. _

"_Dad, I can't reach!" _

"_Hold on." Jake grabbed the measuring cup that was just out of Amy's reach and handed it to her. I blinked, surprised at how unalarmed I was by the fact that in less than thirty seconds, Amy had managed to completely destroy my kitchen. And even stranger, I realized I didn't feel annoyed at all. Instead, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy. I couldn't recall ever feeling like this, like I belonged. Like I was home. Stepping backwards in the general direction of the fridge, I bumped into something hard. And **hot**._

"_Hello," Jake whispered in my ear, wrapping an arm around my waist. I craned my neck back to smile at him._

"_Hi," I whispered back. He leant down, his nose brushing against my cheek, warm lips pressing sweetly against the corner of my mouth. I stood on tippy toes, wanting just a little bit more, when a loud crash had me jerking back in surprise. _

"_Uh, oh," Jackson squeaked. I turned around to find that my son had gotten his hands on a large packet of flour. And had spilled it all over the floor, himself, and me. Jake coughed behind me and I looked up to see him wiping flour out of his eyes. Amy had ignored the flour explosion and was pouring milk into a bowl, seemingly unaware that it was dripping onto the worktop._

"_You know they get that from you, the messiness," I chided Jake, elbowing him in the ribs gently. He had flour stuck in his wet hair and looked absolutely adorable._

"_No way. Have you seen your side of the bathroom?" Jacob scoffed before kissing my cheek gently. Even though I was covered in flour and there was milk splattered everywhere, I couldn't picture myself being anywhere else. Leaning back into my husband, I sighed contently._

"_How did we end up so lucky?" I asked him._

"_You made the right choice," he told me, fingers running down my arms. I glanced down, feeling a sudden weight on my wrist. I could see my bracelet fastened there, and I was sure that it hadn't been there before. The broken clasp was gone now and all that hung from it was the wolf. _

_I turned in his arms, suddenly catching sight of something blue hanging from the window. The dream catcher from my previous dream dangled gentled from a hook above the wooden frame. All of the happiness I had felt disappeared in a flash. _

"_No…" I whispered, looking back at Jake's smiling face. But he was fading. The whole world, my happy little kitchen, my husband and children, were slipping away. _

"_No!" I begged and made myself to focus on room around me, trying to bring them back, trying to force them to stay. I could barely feel Jake's arms around me anymore, but I clutched onto his forearm, desperate for him to stay with me._

"_Don't leave me!" I cried out, but it was too late. I was in nothing but black emptiness. I couldn't feel Jake's arm around me anymore. I couldn't hear Amy or Jackson laughing. _

"_Don't go," I whispered but no one heard. I was alone._

_My family was gone._

* * *

><p>That dream haunted me more than any other that I had while on my honeymoon. Sure, dreaming about Jacob's hands on me, his kisses on my throat, made my heart race. But <em>that<em> dream made me ache.

I knew who those two little children were. I had seen them before. When Jake had kissed me before the newborn battle they had been there. That was when I had finally realized that I loved him too. But I hadn't clued into what it really meant until now. Those two little children symbolized everything I would be giving up by choosing Edward.

I was giving up the possibility of change.

Before that dream I hadn't felt such a relentless _want_. Now I wanted them to be real; I wanted to live in that little house with the messy bedroom and the big kitchen. I wanted to wake up next to Jake each morning instead of only dreaming of him. I wanted all of it.

And the worst part was that I knew that **she** was right. I could have all of that if I just tried. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. Because it wasn't fair to Edward. Edward saved me, he was my world. He was my husband. I loved him.

But I was no longer sure if I still loved him _more._

I hate flying. Ever since I was little it's made me nervous. I hate the horrible grinding noises the wings make when you hit turbulence, the constant drone of the air conditioners as they pump recycled air back into the tiny cabin. I hate how the stewardesses are always so over-the-top nice as they push those noisy drinks carts up the aisles.

Oh, and not to mention the fact that I'm suspended ridiculously high over nothing but water and all it would take would be one bird getting sucked into an engine before I'm plummeting to my fiery death. Even though I was finally heading home, I wished there was a less terrifying way to get there. But having a super human husband does help somewhat. I bit back a laugh as I remembered the notes we had passed to each other in English class about surviving a plane crash.

"Feeling better?" Edward asked, catching the smile. I tossed the cheap airline blanket off my legs as I turned toward him. The plane was quiet and dark. Almost everyone was asleep with those complimentary sleep masks over their eyes.

"No. I was just thinking about how you would kick out the emergency door to save me if the plane crashed," I told him, watching him close his book.

"Only if I couldn't fly the plane first," Edward smiled, remembering the note. I slid my bottom over the huge first class seats so that I was closer to him. Edward shoved the armrest out of the way so he could place an arm round my shoulders.

"But you would do it, right?" I asked quietly, tugging on the cuff of my hoodie.

"What, fly the plane?" he asked innocently. I shot him a look. This was not something to be taken lightly. I did not want to die in a horrendous plane crash and he was not taking this seriously enough for my liking.

"No, save me! When we are spiraling toward the ocean-"

"We won't crash, love," Edward interrupted me with a chuckle.

"Why are you laughing at me?" I demanded loudly, angrily. I slapped my hand over my mouth as someone shushed me from the other side of the cabin. Inwardly, I was seething; it wasn't me that had said that, it was **her.** I swallowed loudly, but I didn't think Edward had noticed. He was shaking his head as he laughed again.

"Because you're adorable," he told me, kissing my forehead.

"Hmph." I dropped my hand from my mouth but didn't move out of his arms. I clamped my lips together, refusing to say anything else. I was terrified of what might come out if I tried to speak again. Never before had I allowed **her** to take control of me like that. Not only that, but I hadn't even felt **her** before **she** had opened _my_ mouth. Normally, **she**'d yell at me for a while before getting really pushy, but I hadn't heard a single thing from**her**since I had found my bracelet.

So did that mean that **she** had said that?

Or had I?

One thing was for sure; there was no way I was hauling **her** out of **her** drawer just to ask **her**. That would bring me nothing but trouble. I watched Edward pick up the small black book in his lap. I shifted nervously in my seat. Between that outburst and the constant dipping of the plane, I was starting to feel nauseous.

Desperate to distract myself, I leaned over to catch the bright red title of Edward's book as he opened it. All of the nervousness disappeared in an instant as I fought the urge to laugh.

"Seriously, Edward?" I asked incredulously as he flicked through the pages to his place. He didn't look up but I could see his smile had grown.

"What?"

"Interview With TheVampire?" I scoffed before giving into the urge to giggle. Edward looked up from his book, my favorite crooked smile on his face.

"It's good. You should read it sometime," he teased me, eyes full of laughter. I loved this playful side of Edward. Our lives had been so serious of late, and it was wonderful to joke with him again.

Never mind the fact that it pushed away the growing unease of what the hell was happening to my sanity.

"Maybe, but I do kind of have a lot of vampire related issues going on at the moment without taking on Louis, too," I told him jokingly. It took a moment for me to realize what I'd said. I _did_ have too many vampire issues going on. Between the Volturi and Victoria, I wasn't even sure how I had been able to function normally over the past month.

Oh, _that__'__s__right_ - I hadn't. No, I had spent the last month arguing with a rogue part of my brain and having sex dreams about a werewolf.

"Well, one of those _issues_ might not save you from a burning plane, then," Edward interrupted my thoughts. I stared at him, confused; it took me a moment to understand what he meant.

"Edward, you know I didn't mean you," I assured him. Edward's smile became sad, the laughter gone from his eyes.

"I know," he said softly, before brushing away a lock of hair from my face. "I was trying to take your mind off Victoria." I smiled gently back at him. His soft touch reminded me just how far Edward would go to protect me. I didn't deserve someone so wonderful, so loving.

"Thank you," I whispered, and leant forward to kiss his marble cheek. I settled back in his arms as he flipped through the pages of his book until he found his place again.

"I think The Vampire Lestat is better, anyway," I told him after a moment.

Edward laughed and pressed his lips of my temple. "I'll keep that in mind."

Suddenly, the plane lurched horribly, causing me to gripped Edward's knee tightly, but I felt much more at ease now that his arms were around me. I watched his pale fingers turn the pages of his book, the other hand drawing cold circles on the skin of my shoulder. Despite the fact that **she** had made an unwelcome appearance and I was stuck on this death trap, I felt a little bit closer to Edward for the first time in over the last month.

But it didn't stop me from tugging on my sleeve so that Jacob's bracelet wouldn't accidently come into view.

* * *

><p>"How am I supposed to walk if I can't see?"<p>

"Just trust me," Alice sang in my ear. I knew she wouldn't let me trip, but that didn't stop me from stretching my arms out in front of myself. I knew we were outside because I could hear twigs snapping under my sneakers. We had landed in Port Angeles on my birthday, and despite the fact that I was severely jet lagged and it was eleven thirty at night, Alice had insisted upon giving me my present _now_.

"Is this really necessary?" I whined. "Can't you just tell me what you got me?"

"I've never known someone who hates presents so much," Alice scolded as she pushed me forward on unsteady feet. Cold raindrops landed on my face as we made our way further into the trees.

"Whatever you've gotten me, it's too much," I tried to explain to her. I always felt that anything I had to give to the Cullen's would never be enough. What do you get for someone who has everything?

"It's your birthday, Bella! And besides, we're sisters now. So what's mine is yours," Alice told me as she guided me over the lumpy ground.

"So this is a present for you _and_ me?" That would be ok. If we shared it then I wouldn't feel so indebted to her.

"No, she means you have access to our bank accounts now. So you can pay her back if you feel so obliged," Edward's voice informed me. I reached out in his direction and he took my hand. His explanation wasn't any better. I could buy Alice a gift with her own money? What was the point of that?

My displeasure must have shown on my face because Edward whispered in my ear, "It's not that bad, Bella. You'll like it." I decided it would be best not to argue about that.

I was guided through the woods for what felt like forever before Alice finally stopped. "Ok, are you ready, Bella?" She asked, her voice so full of excitement I was surprised she wasn't actually shaking.

"I guess so," I mumbled and took a deep breath, stealing myself for whatever lay in front of me. I knew we were in the middle of the woods, so how bad could it be really? Alice's cool hands disappeared from my face and I opened my eyes.

In front of me was a small cottage. It was tidy, clean, modest and exactly what I would have picked out for myself. The off white walls and the rough wooden door were perfect. Ivy grew up the walls and I thought I could hear water from a nearby fountain. I couldn't see all of the details in the moonlight with my weak human eyes, but the small house was beautiful. It looked like something out of a fairy tale. But I couldn't help but wonder why Alice hadn't taken me inside to show my present before letting me open my eyes.

"Is it inside?" I asked her, turning to look at her.

"No, silly, this is it!" she scoffed at me, waving a hand toward the picture perfect house. I blinked. This was it? This tiny bungalow?

"Excuse me?" I croaked in disbelief. Had they bought me a house? My ears started ringing. Surely they wouldn't…

"It's a honeymoon and birthday present combined, love," Edward continued. "It's for both of us so we could have a little privacy."

_What__good__is__privacy__if__you__can__'__t__actually__do__anything__together?_ **she** piped up, but I barely heard **her**. I looked from Alice to Edward and then back again. This was a joke. I was sure of it.

"You got us a house?" I asked incredulously. I was half expecting them to start laughing and produce a gift card for a bookstore instead.

They didn't.

"Well, technically, it's in your name, so it belongs to you, Bella," Alice said to me happily.

"I, uh…" I trailed off as I looked at the small structure. It didn't seem so beautiful anymore. First a car, then Dartmouth, and now a house? I swallowed hard. Alice grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the door.

"Esme did all of the decorating, of course. You know how she is about these things," Alice said airily as she pushed the front door open. I let go of Edward's hand as I walked slowly into the sitting room. I was almost afraid to look around me. Again, it was perfect. Everything here from the worn wooden bookshelves to the old, cracked leather sofa was exactly what I would have picked.

_And I **hated** it._

The building had looked deceptively small from the outside. This room was huge, more than big enough for Edward and myself. The smell of newly cut wood was all around and Alice was chattering on excitedly as she ran her fingers along the spines of brand new books they had provided for Edward and me. My hands were sweaty as I took in all the leather bound volumes. There were thousands of dollars worth of literature here.

"We put in all of your favorites, of course, and got a few news ones that I'm sure you'll love," Alice explained, bouncing on the balls of her feet. I glanced up at Edward who seemed completely at ease. His hand rested on my lower back and he guided me away from the sitting room into the bedroom. It was even worse than the front room.

The big bed was made with pale gold blankets and the bedside tables had been arranged to perfection. Freshly cut flowers sat on the small vanity and I could see the fountain I had heard before from the large windows in a small private patio. It's looked like something out of a catalogue. It was too precise and neat.

_There would be no chipped mugs here. _

"It's perfect, isn't it?" Edward asked me with a crooked grin on his face. "There are two extra bedrooms too, and a big kitchen for you and…" I tuned him out as I glanced around the room. Alice was behind me, rambling on about the wardrobe that I just _had_ to see and that she would teach me exactly how to use it. Edward pressed something cool into my hand. I glanced down at the big bronze key with a purple ribbon tied to the top of it. I felt like I was in a daze.

"Welcome home, Bella," he whispered and my heart went into overdrive. It thundered loudly in my ears.

_Home. _

This wasn't my home. The panic I had been desperately trying to keep under control threatened to bubble over. I let the charm slip out of the cuff of my hoodie before I even realized what I was doing. I closed my hand around it, squeezing it tightly.

This was just way too much.

"I have to go," I blurted out, taking a step back from him and bumping into the newly painted wall. My head was spinning with the smell of fresh varnish and wild flowers. Concern crossed Edward's face and he moved toward me, closing the small gap I had made between us.

"What? Go where?" He asked me softly, reaching out to touch me. I couldn't stop myself from jerking back a little. Alice had stopped talking about the wardrobe and was looking at my wrist. I tugged on my sleeve cuff to try and hide the chain again.

"I just need some fresh air," I gasped, pushing away from the wall. I grabbed ahold of the bedroom door and yanked it open, but Edward appeared in front of me before I could make it out of the room.

"I'll come with you," he offered.

I knew he was trying to look out for me and protect me, but his offer made me so angry that I didn't even try to control **her**. Couldn't he see that I was starting to lose it?

"No!" we yelled at him. Edward's eyes widened at my tone. I couldn't ever remember yelling at him like that; I had never wanted to until now.

"Bella!" The concern on his face had turned to panic. He reached out again as I side stepped past him into the horrible sitting room. I pushed my hair out of my face with one hand, the other still clinging onto the wolf charm. I was shaking.

"No, Edward, I'm fine. I just…just give me a moment, ok?" I stuttered as stumbled to the front door.

Again, he appeared in front of me, blocking my way. **She** wanted me to scream at him, to push him and hurt him, but I held back. I needed out and causing a huge scene wasn't going to help.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm sorry, Edward. I'm fine, really. I'll be fine," I apologized as I desperately tried to squeeze past him. His hand came around my arm, holding me in place against the doorframe.

"_Bella.__"_ He said my name like a prayer and it frightened me. I looked up at him and his golden eyes roamed my face. His hand was too tight on my arm, but I didn't even try to struggle. I knew if I did it would take much more time to escape.

"Please," I begged quietly.

It took a moment, as if he were trying to decide what to do, but then he sighed and let go of me. My breath came out in a big rush; I hadn't even realized I had been holding it. My hand scrambled behind me to find the door handle. I shoved it open with as much force as I could manage.

"I'll be right back," I assured him before pushing away from him and that awful house.

I stepped out into the cold night air. It was raining harder now, but I didn't care. I glanced over my shoulder at the open doorway to see if Edward was still standing there, but it was empty. My breath was heaving as if I had run a marathon.

Turning away, I set off in a random direction. I didn't care where I went so long as it was away from that too perfect house. I let my fingers brush along the rough bark of the trees as I passed them. My sneakers squelched in the mud. I shivered as my wet hair dripped cold water down my neck.

I couldn't believe he had done that to me. I didn't need a house. He knew how I felt about gifts, but he had done it anyway.

It was more than the house though; so much more.

It was what he had called the place that had really pushed me over the edge; _That_ wasn't my home. It didn't feel like home at all. I wanted to be with Edward, but not in that house with its' extra bedrooms that would never get used and its' huge kitchen that would only feed me. It was a house for a family. And I'd never have a family with Edward. Not a real family, not like what I could have had.

I came to an abrupt stop as a sob tore its way out of my throat. I hadn't even been aware I was crying. I slid down the trunk of a tree, not caring that my jeans would get dirty.

I should have been ecstatic right now. I was married to the man I loved, I was going to one of the best schools in the country, and I owned a house and a car with no debt. It was the American dream and I was living it. So why did it feel like a nightmare? Why did I feel like I was trapped?

I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them. I gripped the wolf charm tightly, as if it was the only thing that was holding me together. I didn't want that cottage. I didn't want that outrageous car. I hadn't even wanted to get married. I felt like my life was completely out of my control.

In that moment on the muddy, wet forest floor, I felt absolutely defeated. I knew what I wanted, what I needed. And it was the one thing I couldn't have. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help it. I needed_him_. I wanted _him_.

_Both__of__me__wanted__him_.

"Jacob," I whispered, brushing away the tears from my face. I heard a rustle and snapped my head up. All I could see was the rain and the green of the leaves. Adrenaline flooded my system and I dropped my hands from my face. My heart was racing, filling with hope that _he_ could appear. I didn't care that I couldn't possibly be far enough away from Edward. Most likely he could hear everything I was saying. And surprisingly that didn't matter at all.

"Jacob?" I said a little louder, but I could barely hear it over the pumping of my heart. It seemed to be matching the mantra in my head of _please,__please,__please_. I wanted him to show up, to hold me in his warm arms. I searched the trees frantically.

"Jake?" I tried again, but the forest around me was dead silent. I sighed, fresh tears falling from my eyes.

_He_ wasn't here.

I was alone.


	5. Chapter Four: Animosity

**Chapter Four**

**Animosity **

_This is how an angel cries._

_Blame it on my own sick pride._

_Blame it on my ADD baby._

_Maybe I should cry for help._

_Maybe I should kill myself._

_Blame it on my ADD baby._

Sail – AWOLNATION

I had thought I had done the right thing by letting _her_ go. My father and my pack had told me time and time again that she wasn't worth clinging to. I had hoped that coming to the decision to cut her completely out of my life would make my world just a little bit easier, that I'd be able to cope a little better.

But when did things ever go the way I planned?

I managed to keep the thoughts of her out of my mind. But the _want_ for her was still there. I had destroyed her scent so I wouldn't drive myself mad. But I could still smell her on my skin. I had burned her face away in that fire. But I still saw it when I dreamed. I had tried to throw away every ounce of feeling for her. But one still remained.

Anger.

I could never remember being so pissed off. I was constantly close to losing control every minute of every day. I was angry at the world for putting me in this fucked up situation. I was mad at her because I knew I meant absolutely nothing to her. And I was furious with myself because I let her own me like that.

The wolf inside me was closer to the surface now, always wanting to bite and tear and hurt. Going wolf was a much easier way to handle the hate. Sometimes it was the only way to deal with it or I would have destroyed everything within reach just for some kind of outlet.

I was _desperate_ to forget her. If she had never moved back here, I could have been happy. I might have met a girl who actually cared about me. Hell, I might not of phased; the vampires only stayed around for her. I could have been normal. Instead, I was trapped. I wanted the girl I couldn't have and hated that I still wanted her.

I was sick of feeling like a prisoner. I would not be her collared dog anymore. I was my own person and I would not let her have sway over me. She had pulled me along for way too long and I had reached my limit.

But no matter how much I tried to erase her from my life, she was still there, haunting me. It didn't matter how hard I fought; she was _still_there. I still felt for her. And the fact that I could not make myself stop always pushed my rage over the edge. I knew it worried my family - _both_ of them - but it was all worth it.

Because there was no way I was going to let her win.

* * *

><p>I watched Rachel run her cleaning cloth over the tiny dining table for the seventh time in the past twenty minutes. She had been dashing back and forth from the kitchen to the front room like a mad woman. I fought back the urge to snatch the cloth away from her. It wasn't like Paul would notice the dust anyway.<p>

I was still pissed that Paul had imprinted on my sister. Well, I was pissed all the time these days, but Paul imprinting on Rachel was the icing on the fucked up cake that was my life.

Now Rachel was humming happily as she scrubbed the already clean table and I couldn't hold back a scoff. Rachel used to _hate_ cleaning.

"What is it now, Jake?" she snapped, throwing her cloth onto the tabletop with a slap.

Even with the angry scowl on her face, it made my heart ache to admit how much Rachel looked like Mom. They were so alike that sometimes it still hurt to look her in the face. I loved that my sister was home, but she was a painful reminder that I had lost someone who was important to me despite how hard I had fought for her.

And, of course, thinking of the similarities between my past and my current situation forced up that bubbling rage from deep inside my gut, but I pushed it down again. Rachel wasn't Mom.

Rachel wasn't _her_.

"Nothing," I sighed, looking away from her.

Rachel let out one of those girl sighs that means they don't believe you before returning to polishing the spotlessly clean table. I tried to ignore her but the constant squeaking of the cloth was setting my teeth on edge. Dad was pointedly ignoring both of us, surfing through TV channels at top speed. I fidgeted on the couch for a moment.

"It's just that you used to hate cleaning," I grumbled finally, picking at a loose thread. The squeaking stopped abruptly.

"Yeah, well, people grow up, Jacob," Rachel said in a dangerously low voice. "Perhaps you should think about doing the same."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked her through clenched teeth. I looked over at her and she had her hands on her hips exactly the way Mom used to when she was mad at me. That pushed tenuous hold I kept over my anger slipping over the edge. It made the wolf want to take charge. And the wolf wanted to _hurt_.

"It means you're acting like a whiny, moody, spoiled brat!" Rachel exploded.

"He wouldn't notice if the table was clean or not!" I yelled at her, deciding to ignore her last comment. This wasn't about me; it was about Paul. It was _always_ about Paul.

"Don't you start on Paul again," Rachel seethed. "You don't understand him!"

"Oh, I understand him, alright. He's a horny, annoying, pain in my ass." I was suddenly towering over her and I didn't even remember moving off the couch. She still had that stupid cloth in her hand and her eyes were wide. _Scared._ The look on her face should have pulled me up. It would have if I were still the Jacob I used to be. But I wasn't, and it did not deter the wolf, either.

"Jake," my Dad said warningly. I shot him a look. He didn't like Paul being with Rachel either, but he always took Rachel's side on it. By sheer force of will, I reined the wolf in and managed to take a tiny step back from her. She leant back against the table and let out a shaky sigh.

Now that the wolf was gone, or at least suppressed, I felt ashamed for scaring my sister. It wasn't her fault that Paul had imprinted on her. I reached out and touched her arm. She jumped at the contact. I winced. As if I didn't feel like enough of an asshole already.

"He's not good enough for you," I told her softly. Her lips parted and she glanced up at me with an expression I was all to used to seeing; pity.

"Oh, Jake," she whispered. She opened her mouth to say something else, but the banging of the front door interrupted us.

"Who's not good enough for who?" Rachel leant around my elbow and her whole demeanor changed.

The way Rachel's face lit up when Paul looked at her was probably the worst thing. She seemed to be happy, but it was all fake. Fake instant love, fake devotion, fake everything. Stupid Spirits and their match-making schemes. Now I was going to be stuck with Paul as my brother-in-law for the rest of my life. A huge smile spread across her face; her eyes shone, her skin glowed.

I hated it.

"Paul!" she squealed, tossing her beloved cleaning cloth over her shoulder and crossing the room faster than I thought her capable of. Paul wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek. Then her neck. Hands snuck down and grabbed at her ass. My hold on my anger was cracking as I saw those fingers dig into my sister's behind. The fucker didn't even stop when Dad cleared his throat, which is international father code for 'Get your hands off my daughter right now if you want to keep breathing'.

Asshole.

"Hello, gorgeous," Paul whispered when he finally pulled away.

As I watched my sister fawn all over the creep she now considered her boyfriend, I found myself wondering if Sam would kill me if I ripped one of his arms off. Arms probably wouldn't grow back, though. Maybe just a few fingers, then; he could live without those.

"Well, I'm out of here," Dad announced, chucking the remote on the abandoned couch.

"Don't you dare leave me with them," I whispered, reaching out for his chair. For an old man in a wheelchair, Dad was surprisingly agile. He maneuvered his chair just out of reach before coasting down the hallway.

"I don't want to hear anything, Rach!" He called over his shoulder. I cringed because I knew exactly what he was talking about. Waking up in the middle of the night to hear your sister's headboard banging against the wall is never a fun experience. It had also cemented my theory that the walls in this house were paper-thin. I had scrambled out of my bedroom window just to get away from them.

Thank God Sam had arranged for Paul and I to be on separate patrols so I didn't actually have to _see_anything. Although the noises I was hearing now was enough to make me punch Paul square in the face. Or vomit; it was hard to decide.

I looked over at the two lovebirds to find them kissing with such intensity I'm surprised they weren't climbing down each other's throats. Ok, note to self: throw up first and _then_ punch him.

"Hey, I'm still here!" I hollered at them. They broke apart and Rach buried her face in Paul's neck, giggling. She was actually _giggling_.

"Well, the exit is that way," Paul sneered, jerking his thumb toward the open door. I glared at him, but refrained from letting sarcastic Jake take the reins. I looked down at my sister, knowing she wasn't really there; she was _Paul__'__s_ Rachel now. She couldn't see me anymore. I bit my tongue against the string of curses rising up in my throat before pushing the screen door out of my way and ripping my shirt over my head.

I was so sick of this shit.

* * *

><p>I had found another way to deal with some of the anger inside me. Quil's mom had gotten him a second hand Xbox for his birthday last year and nothing takes the edge off quite like blowing up aliens. Whenever going wolf wasn't enough, I had ended up in his basement with him and Embry, incinerating monsters for hours.<p>

As a result, I had gotten _very_ good at headshots.

"Dammit Jake, stop with the sniper rifle already," Embry complained through a mouthful of popcorn.

"Well, stop being such a girl and actually try attacking people," I told him smugly as my kill total flashed on the screen.

"Dude, I only have four extra lives left," Embry whined from the floor.

"Three now!" Quil crowed as he killed the newly regenerated Embry. Embry swore and threw his controller on the ground with a clatter.

"Hey, watch it!" Quil complained. "Those are expensive and Jacob already ruined two this month."

"What's got your panties in a knot?" Embry turned his head in my direction, a smirk sliding across his face.

"Some snotty kid online killed me like five times. It was annoying," I explained without taking my eyes off the screen.

"Your face is annoying," Embry retorted, his smirk turning dopey.

"Wow, you astound me with your rapier wit, Em," I snorted, aiming with my sniper rifle and taking out some random player.

"I don't need wit. Have you seen this body?" he replied, running his hands down his front. "All the ladies want a piece of Embry."

"Conceited, much?"

"Again, I'm that hot, I don't care."

"Jake, hit him for me. I'm too far away," Quil snapped, pounding furiously on the buttons of his controller. "Die, you bastard, die!"

"Hit or kick?"

"Whatever, man; just make him shut up," Quil muttered before jumping up from the couch. "Yes, take that!" he screamed at the TV. I nailed Embry in the ribs with my foot before he had a chance to get out of the way.

"Hey, ok, I'll stop! Jeez, jealous much?" Embry grumbled, moving well out of my reach. I chuckled, then looked up at the TV to see my game had ended.

Between picking on Embry and slaughtering more than half of the alien population of Halo, I was actually starting to feel pretty good. Plus, I had successfully managed to keep Bella out of my head for almost a whole day. That had to be some kind of record.

"I'm so freaking epic! Look at that kill score," Quil said softly, running his hands over the TV screen lovingly. "It's a thing of beauty."

"Not as good as mine," I reminded him snidely. I thanked my lucky stars for my werewolf speed as I dodged the Xbox controller Quil sent flying at my head.

"So, did you think of anyone to add to your list, Jake?" Em asked me, snatching up his own abandoned controller from the floor.

I ran my fingers through my hair and shrugged. Em and Quil had been making stupid lists of girls they wanted to do. Last week, it was girls from school. This week, it was celebrities.

"I dunno…maybe Jessica Alba?" I offered, not daring to look at either of them. This subject always made me touchy. There was only one girl I wanted and they knew that full well. I guess in their own way they were trying to help by keeping my mind off _her_ and forcing me to think about other girls.

"Lame," Quil sighed, stealing my controller to set up the next game.

"What? Jessica Alba is hot!" I protested loudly. Ok, so I maybe I was uncomfortable talking about girls, but not to the point where I could let Jessica Alba's hotness go undefended. I even had a Sin City poster of her pinned up in my garage. Not that she could hold a candle to Bella, of course.

Before I could stop it, I could almost feel her soft dark hair and see those pink cheeks. _Don__'__t__think__about__her!_ I snatched my controller back and stabbed at the buttons angrily trying to force the loading screen to hurry up.

"Yeah, but she's on everyone's list," Embry informed me. I mashed the buttons again and shrugged. I didn't want to think about girls anymore.

"Oh yeah, who's on yours?" Quil challenged, distracting Embry as the game finally loaded.

_Thank God._

I threw grenades until the feeling of her cool skin disappeared. _Don__'__t__think__about__her,__she__'__s__not__worth__it,__don__'__t__think__about__her_, I chanted in my mind over and over.

"Cameron Diaz," Embry said, his tone serious as he shoveled the last of the cold popcorn into his mouth. Ok, _that_distracted me from my kill score. It took him a moment to realize we were both staring at him.

"What?" he asked, completely confused by our reaction.

"Dude, her arms are more ripped than mine," Quil said with a laugh, not even noticing that his character had just been blown up.

"No, they're not!" Embry replied hotly.

"I didn't know you were into manly women. Someone better let Tami know," I teased him, a genuine grin forming on my face. I may have found a new outlet; picking on Embry was _much_ more satisfying that blowing up aliens.

"Shut up!"

I choked back a laugh when I saw him blush.

"Yeah, next thing we know, you'll be slobbering over Leah's muscles," Quil snorted.

"Hey! Leah's hot and you know it," Embry said quietly, and I could swear I saw the tips of his ears turn pink.

"That's dangerous territory, Em," I warned him.

"Why, 'cause of Sam? Fuck it; Leah is, like, the hottest chick on the rez," he told me sharply.

"Nice to know you think so highly of me," a sarcastic voice interrupted us. Embry jumped up from the floor as Leah waltzed across the room and perched herself on the arm of the couch next to me. She wore her usual glare, but her eyes keep flicking over to Embry, watching him as he ran his hands up and down the front of his shirt. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought that he was trying to get the melted butter stains from the popcorn off his shirt.

"You guys were supposed to be on patrols half an hour ago. I had to do an extra run because you are all late," she said curtly, snatching my controller out of my hands.

"Hey, that's mine!" I reached out for it, but she was too quick. I groaned aloud as a laser gun destroyed my guy on screen. She dug her elbow into my side and I got up off the couch to get away from her.

"Not anymore. Sam said for you three to get your asses out there, or he's gonna drag you out by his teeth," she informed us happily.

"So you're just going to stay here and play _my_ Xbox in _my_ house?" Quil asked disbelievingly. Quil looked more peeved than I had seen him in a long time, but it seemed his temper was much closer to the surface lately. Killing aliens wasn't just my outlet; it was Quil's too. We had been unable to come up with a suitable lie for Claire parents so that Quil could see her without it being weird. As a result, he only got to see her once every two weeks when Emily offered to babysit. Not being about to see Claire had made Quil very edgy.

But he wasn't the one I was paying attention to. Embry's eyes were raking their way up Leah's bare legs and his hand kept running through his short hair. I knew him well enough to know that he only did that when he was nervous.

"Got a problem with that, Ateara?" Leah threatened, her eyes never leaving the character on screen. "Seriously, how do you make this guy run in a straight line?" She shook the controller at the TV.

"Just drop it, Quil," Embry hissed at him. He finally tore his eyes away from Leah long enough to seize the back of Quil's shirt and pull him toward the stairs.

"You break it and I'll kill you, Leah," Quil warned her menacingly on his way out. Leah didn't even look away from the screen.

"Come on," Embry all but pleaded, yanking hard on Quil's shirt.

"She's gonna break it," I heard Quil whine as they tramped up the steps. I looked from the empty stairs back to Leah, who had settled herself down in my spot and was making my guy run around the screen. I watched her take aim and fail epically. She was going to seriously destroy my kill score.

"Why aren't you leaving, Jake?" she asked without looking up at me.

"What's going on?" I demanded. Leah hit the pause button and arched her eyebrow at me. I hate when girls do that. It makes me feel like I'm going to be interrogated.

"With what?" she asked, much too innocently.

"With you and…" I trailed off and waved my hand toward the stairwell that Embry had just climbed. "And that?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she replied bluntly before turning back to my game.

"Bullshit," I swore at her.

She just shrugged her shoulders. "I bullshit you not. Now, you better get going before Sam _does_come and drag you out," she warned me. I watched her get me killed again before letting it go. I didn't really want to know if Leah had the hots of Embry. That mental image was just way too disturbing. Well, it would be ok if it made them happy, but the fact that the pack had to be in their heads all the time was going to make it beyond awkward.

"Click the right analog to aim, Leah," I told her before heading toward the stairs.

"Thanks, Jake," she said, and I knew she meant it for more than just the instructions.

"Whatever," I sighed.

As my feet stumbled reluctantly backward up the stairs, I found myself comforted by the fact that at least Leah and Embry would be able to choose to be together without the ever so helpful aid of imprinting. And neither would have to worry about a leech sucking the life out of the other.

_Cool __hands __and __soft __pink __lips __on __my __skin. __Her __hair __smelt __of __strawberries __and __her __face __was __flushed._ I forced myself to turn away from Leah and bolt up the narrow staircase before those thoughts became more dangerous.

_Don't think about her, don't think about her._

I needed to run. _Now._

* * *

><p><em>EVERYBODY WAS KING FU FIGHTING!<em>

_I hope Kim makes mac and cheese for me. She makes the best mac and cheese._

_Don't think about her, don't think about her…_

_I want to go home._

_I have to hand in that stupid English essay by tomorrow and I haven't even started. Maybe Sam will let me off early…_

_(A young woman in a kitchen, laughing)_

_Stupid Leah, stealing my Xbox (A little girl collecting rocks on the beach) Hope Claire is ok, so small, so breakable._

_THOSE CATS WERE FAST AS LIGHTENING!_

_Don't think about her, don't think about her…_

_Damn, I'm going to flunk, **again.**_

_I miss you._

_I need Jacob to step up to the plate. I can't handle this shit anymore._

_(Warm hands and an open mouthed kiss) _

_IN FACT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT FRIGHTENING!_

_I think I left my shorts under Kim's bed. I hope no one is at home when I'm finished patrolling._

_(A scarred face and blood on the floor)_

_Don't think about her, don't think about her…_

_Mom's gonna kill me if I get anything less than a B._

_(A little girl playing in the surf)_

_FOR THEY FOUGHT WITH EXPERT TIMING! _

_Don't think about her, don't think about her. _

_(Long legs draped over a couch)_

_Maybe I should just drop out. What's the point?_

_(Red brown hair and chocolate eyes) "I love you, Jake."_

_Don't think about her, don't think about her. For the love of God, don't think about her!_

_**Will **__**all **__**of **__**you **__**just **__**shut **__**up! **_Sam's Alpha voice cut through the din. The random thoughts that constantly flowed through the pack mind halted immediately. The forced silence that was left behind was deafening. An Alpha order was the only thing that could make us all shut up. It was supposed to be a hunting technique so we could pay attention to tracking down a threat.

Mostly it was just really fucking annoying though.

_Keep __your __mind __on __your __task, __guys. __That __red __head __is __out __here __somewhere, _Sam told us. I felt him lift the order but the erratic thoughts from before didn't stream back in. Sam was right; we had to be focused. The rest of the pack mirrored my thoughts.

_I can't wait to rip into that leech._

_(Teeth forcing an arm from its' socket)_

_Protect the tribe._

_Won't let her get away this time._

I flew through the forest along one of the normal patrol lines. We had not picked up the red head's scent for more than a week. Some of the pack thought that she had finally left, but Sam wasn't so sure, and neither was I. The bitch was still out there somewhere. I just had to find her.

Killing the leech had nothing to do with Bella, besides the fact that the bloodsucker still wanted to kill her. It was an outlet. It was something to focus on so I didn't drive myself crazy. As screwed up as the whole werewolf thing was, I was one of the few that could protect my people, so I took it seriously.

And if I was using it to force the anger into something productive, so what? The rage made me take more risks to catch her, but I had a job to do and I was doing it. How I did it shouldn't be anyone's concern.

_Yeah_, _just __don__'__t __go __getting __reckless, __Jacob. __You __need __to __focus_, Sam interrupted my thoughts. He appeared on my left, running at full speed to keep up. He may be bigger than me, but I was quicker.

_I __can__'__t __focus __if __you __are __yelling __at __me. _I snapped at his flank to get him to back off. It made the wolf edgy if we ran too close together. I forced my legs to move faster.

_I __mean __it, __Jake. __Do __not __put __yourself __in __unnecessary __danger __**again**__. _It wasn't quite an Alpha order, but it was close. I turned to the right and put on a burst of speed, as if physical distance could get me away from Sam. He didn't follow, but it didn't matter. He never left my head, always pulling strings, leaving me feeling more like some sort of fucked up marionette then I cared to admit.

More and more often these days, I felt like Sam was keeping me as trapped as Bella had. The Alpha order keeping me here was still in place. I knew Sam felt bad about it, but I also knew he thought he was doing the right thing.

_You know I had to do it. (A boy on the beach pacing, screaming, tears on his face.) You were out of control. I had to step in._

_Whatever, Sam._

The silence was back, but it wasn't forced this time. I could feel the pack keeping their thoughts tightly in check. They were keeping their noses down and concentrated hard on the muted thumping of their paws on wet earth. I was grateful they were at least pretending that I had some kind of privacy.

I hated thinking about that day on the beach. Sam was right; I _had_ been out of control. I was all but crazed as I paced the sand furiously with that stiff cardboard invitation crushed in my palm. But still, he'd had no right to take away my freedom like that.

I felt Sam's irritation grow.

_I don't want to take away your freedom, Jake._

_Then let me go!_

If I could just run, just get away even if it was only for a few days, maybe I could forget her. I was sure if I could forget her I would function better. I wanted out of this place! When I was stuck here on the rez, every place I went was full of memories of her.

I felt an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia as I forced my way through the trees as fast as I could go. I wanted out!

_Jake, __man, __calm __down_, Seth's voice whispered.

_Shut __up, __Seth!_ My sharp tone hit Seth hard, though he tried his best to cover it up. Sometimes I forgot he was still a little kid.

It wasn't Seth I was mad at though. It was Sam I was furious with. I knew it wasn't Sam's fault that Bella had picked that bloodsucking asshole over me. But it _was_ his fault that I was stuck here. And it felt unbelievably good to shove some of my anger and frustration off on him.

_Don__'__t __you __take __this __out __on __Seth, __Jacob. _Sam's voice was so loud in my mind that for a moment I couldn't even feel the others. It did not improve my mood.

_Why __not? __You __still __feeling __guilty __because __you __fucked __his __sister __over?_

Ok, so that was a low shot, but still. The pack mind cringed as a whole. It was an unspoken rule that Sam's relationship with Leah was a no go zone. Suddenly, I wasn't the only pissed off wolf.

_Jacob __Black, __if __you __don__'__t __shut __up __right __now, __I__'__ll_ – but I never found out what Sam would do to me. I caught the sickly sweet scent of the red head only seconds before I flew over it. And it was fresh, less than a minute old.

_Follow __it!_ Sam ordered and he didn't have to tell me twice. I had already changed direction and was bolting through the forest as fast as I could. My fight with Sam could wait. I felt the others invading my mind, using my eyes to see where I was. They were miles behind me, but that didn't matter. I was part of a pack, but this was my hunt.

The world flew by in a haze of green and every single fiber in my body screamed to find the intruder and to kill it. The leech's scent burned my nose, its' acid stuck in my throat. Howls rang through the air, calling for reinforcements. It only took me a few seconds to catch my first glimpse of bright red hair.

_Yes!_

_Get her, Jake._

_Tear her to shreds._

_(A huge bonfire with purple smoke. White fingers crawling through the flames)_

_Jake, __you__'__re __getting __close,_ Sam shot at me. I ignored him. Couldn't he see that the red head was still miles ahead? I couldn't take her down yet. I felt that distinctive shimmer through the collective pack mind as the last of the wolves phased.

_Where is she?_

_Is it the leech?_

_What's going on, Sam?_

The leech's legs were a blur as she ran, but I was catching up. She was right in my sight and less than two hundred yards away. I was so worked up, so angry that I knew I just _had_ to get her this time. I didn't care what was going on in my life right now or where I was. My whole being had melted down to a single objective: track and kill.

Destroying this leech was no longer just something that I _wanted_; it had become something I _needed_. I had to end her. I longed to rip her apart. I yearned to watch her burn. The red head seemed to be panicking now, darting from left to right as if to shake me off. Instead, it made it all too easy to close the distance between us.

I knew Sam and the others were shouting at me, but I couldn't hear them anymore. I was so tantalizingly close now. I could see the look of fear in those blood red eyes when she glanced back at me. I snapped my jaws in anticipation. This was it; I was _so_ close to the kill.

I barely even noticed when I flew across the treaty line.

The look of surprise on the bloodsuckers face told me she wasn't expecting me to void the treaty. And the screaming in the back of my mind meant that the pack hadn't expected it either. They had started slowing as they had approached the line, certain that she would escape again. There was no way I was giving up the chase now.

I felt Sam war with himself for a moment. I was waiting for him to slam an Alpha order in place and force me to turn back. But he didn't.

_If __any __of __you __see __a __single __Cullen, __**you **__**turn **__**back**_, he ordered before racing over the treaty line. Normally, this kind of permission from my overly rigid Alpha would have left me stunned, but I didn't have the luxury of time to worry about Sam. I had a leech to destroy.

The bloodsucker was definitely panicking now. She knew I would eventually catch her. Her plan had backfired. The others were still far behind me, but adrenaline flooded my veins as I snagged the back of her coat with my teeth.

The fabric tore loudly, but she didn't stop. That didn't matter; I had her now. Without warning, she stopped dead in the middle of the trail. I blew past her, not expecting her to come to a standstill so suddenly. I skidded to a halt before turning back, surprised to see that she still hadn't moved. She wasn't even looking at me; it seemed like she had given up. I let loose a low growl, trying to force her to face me. I wanted a fight, dammit, not a surrender. I felt the muscles in my legs tense as I prepared to pounce.

And then I heard _her_.

It was nothing more than a choked sob, but I could still recognize it as _her_. I glanced through the bushes to my left. Barely a few steps away, covered in mud and soaking wet from the rain, was Bella. _My__Bella_. My obsessive thoughts of the hunt melted away in an instant.

Her jeans were dirty and her long, wet hair was plastered to her skin. Her face was screwed up and tears fell from her eyes, making tracks down her cheeks. Even though she was crying, and even though I had sworn not to care for her, she was still so beautiful. I could hear the steady thumping of her heart and smell her wonderfully clean _human_ scent. I took a deep breath to savor it. She lifted her head and wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

_Bella._

"Jacob," she whispered my name and the last tiny fragment of control I had left vanished. My heart ached at the sight of her. I couldn't stop myself from stepping forward. Her head turned in my direction.

"Jacob?" she said, louder now, as if she knew I was there.

I only had to take a few steps and I could hold her again. I could touch her soft skin and taste those perfect lips. I wanted her so badly. I barely felt the nagging in the back of my mind as I stepped closer.

But I did notice the flash of white to my right.

The leech had moved forward too, and she was much closer to Bella than I was.

And she was _smiling_.

The whole reason for my being out here came rushing back with violent force. The chase, the kill. I could hear running from the opposite side of the clearing now and their rotting stench hit me like a ton of bricks. The Cullen's were on their way. The voices of the pack came rushing back to me, screaming so loudly it was making my head hurt.

_Jacob, take her down!_

_Kill her!_

_Attack her, you idiot! _

_Why are you just standing there!_

_**JACOB, **__**WHAT **__**THE **__**HELL **__**ARE **__**YOU **__**DOING?**_ Sam's voice was so powerful that it made me stagger for a moment. I shook my head as Victoria stepped even closer, preparing to go in for the kill.

"Finally," she said softly to herself, that sick smile still in place.

No, not my Bella.

My walls were down and my rage consumed me, set me on fire. I wasn't Jacob anymore; I was the wolf. I turned and lunged at Victoria with as much power as I could force from my body. My teeth sunk into her freezing cold shoulder and I clamped my jaws down hard. Victoria spun, flinging me off her as if I were a rag doll. I landed hard on the forest floor more than three hundred feet away. I spat out the chunk of stinking white flesh before scrambling to my feet.

Victoria had already started to run and I was glad for it. I wanted to chase her down. I wanted my fight. The bloodsucker would pay for wanting to hurt _her_. Even as she ran, I could see where my teeth had ripped into her. Her arm was almost completed severed from her body, and she held it to her chest as she moved. It slowed her down enough that I was able to quickly make back the ground I had lost.

Most of the pack had finally caught up with me and I caught glimpses of them between the trees. They streamed out behind me as I led the chase. I would take this bitch down. The leech led us back across the treaty line just as the rest of the pack caught up. She was on our turf now; there was no way she would escape.

I was still in front as we started climbing up hill. I vaulted over fallen logs, refusing to slow down. _I__would__get__her_. The bloodsucker took a sharp right and I didn't even think about stopping. I could smell the sea and hear the waves as we broke out from under the cover of the trees. The wind threw the icy rain down on us as I flew across the top of the cliffs near First Beach.

The bloodsucker was making a beeline toward the cliffs that we dived from in summer. As I raced after her, bits of the cliff edge crumbled under my weight. The rocks clattered down to the precipice below, reminding me that kids had fallen from here before. Their bodies had ended up so mangled that they could barley be identified. But I didn't let the drop intimidate me. I knew this area too well to be frightened of it and I had my werewolf skills on my side.

I threw myself toward her again; heedless of the edge just inches away. She darted to the left, my teeth only just scraping her rock hard torso. I let loose a roar of frustration.

And then she laughed at me. She actually _laughed_ at me. My anger at everything seized me. Anger at Bella for leaving, at Edward for stealing her away and for Sam who held me captive. And most of all, for this _thing_in front of me, which had no right to exist and then had the gall to laugh at me.

The leech raced across the cliff top, the very same one that Bella had jumped from months ago. I tore after her, not caring about the drop below. She looked over her shoulder and sneered at me before throwing herself off the edge. I didn't even slow down as I approached the ledge.

_**Jacob, **__**no!**_ Sam ordered, but it was too late; my paws had already left the ground. My body still tried to obey him and turn back, my claws digging into the hard stone. I yelped in pain as my nails were ripped from my paws. It didn't matter anyway; I was already plummeting toward the ground. The world slowed to a crawl as gravity grabbed ahold of me and pulled me down toward the earth.

Victoria was falling with me, her bright hair whipping across her face in the wind. The fact that she was still laughing bewildered me. Didn't she realize that once we hit the water it was over for her?

"Gotcha," she hissed at me, her expression triumphant. I looked over her mangled shoulder and it all clicked into place. The leech had been faking. She wanted to seem weaker. She wanted me to follow her over the edge.

When Bella had jumped from this cliff all those months ago, I remembered being consumed with overwhelming fear and worry. This cliff was tricky. The Council did not allow tourists to jump from it anymore. You jump to the left, as Bella did, and you hit the ocean. You go to the right, like the leech and me, and you hit the beach. And not just _any_ part of the beach. At the bottom of the cliff, lay a huge expanse of razor sharp rock.

No one had ever survived jumping from this side.

Time caught up to me again and the massive stone face was only seconds away. I was going to land right on top of them. Even with werewolf healing, I didn't think I was going to get out of this one. I could see the cracks in the boulders now; the sharp ruthless edges were in shocking clarity.

I knew with absolute certainty that I was going to die.

All I could think about was how irresponsible I was. People counted on me and I was going to let them down. Dad was completely dependent on me. Who would get him out of bed or made sure he ate right if I was not there? And Rachel needed me now more than ever. I had to protect her and make sure Paul treated her well. I was supposed to look after my family. I was supposed to keep them safe.

I had failed them.

I had planned to get out of here, go to college and get a good job. Get married and maybe have a couple of kids. But there was no future for me now. No chance to get over her, no chance to heal. No more hope to move on and find some semblance of happiness.

There was nothing left for me anymore.

The ground was flying toward me and I didn't even try to protect myself from the impact. What was the point? I was already dead. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe this was my only chance at freedom from the horror movie that was my life.

Maybe this was my way out.

And yet, somehow I could still hear _her_. She managed to drown out the crazed laughter from the leech until all I could hear was her voice and the rushing wind. She took away my fear and anger and for once gave me peace.

"Jacob," she whispered my name for a third time. Her voice sounded like heaven.

It sounded like home.

_Love __you __Bells_, I thought before closing my eyes.

And then I smashed into the rock face and my world went dark.

_Game over, Jacob Black._

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Dont kill me! *Hides behind laptop* Uh yeah...cliff diving is dangerous. Anyways, thank you to GG for the amazing beta work she had been doing for me. Seriously I'm surprised that my lack of awesome has not sent her running away screaming for mercy yet. Love you hun *smooches*.

So Chapter 5 is being constructed and will be up soon :D ((Wolf Hugs)). Oh and Merry Christmas to you all too :D Hope your holidays are wonderful!


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